When my son turned 13 yesterday I took a peek into the future and scared myself silly! Eeek! My baby out on a real alone-time date in a year or so?! Is he ready? Am I ready? Stop this time machine, I want to get off! Of course we all know we cannot stop time, as much as we would love to. So I am making myself a list and checking it twice to ensure that we have covered all the bases before he gets his crack at them!
Parents need to prepare their teenagers well for this all important step into the world of relationships. Schools generally are providing information on sexuality and healthy relationships to kids however parents need to provide specific guidance based on your teen's unique situation and issues. Read through the material being used by the schools to give you an idea of what you are dealing with and where your ideas may converge or differ. I have listed two such websites used by the Calgary Board of Education. Communication with a teen is primarily an exercise in listening. Position yourself as approachable and conversational and be sure to add a good measure of humour. Ask open-ended questions while sharing your relationship wisdom and values. If you have non-negotiables let them know, as it pertains to such issues as sex (safe or none) or curfews. Studies show that children who feel they can talk with their parents about sex and relationships are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviour.
The difference between boys and girls at this stage is well documented. According to a Penn State study in 1999, girls were found to have intimacy skills, while boys were found lacking. This "makes boys more vulnerable because they fall in love faster. They also take breaking up harder than girls"1. Parents should watch for boys getting stressed by the prospects of dating and provide them with an out, letting them know that it is ok to go at their own pace. On the other hand, girls tend to have a larger social investment in dating. When my son's friend threatened to break up with his girlfriend on the day of the school dance I reminded him to think of her feelings and status, not just his own. Girls need to be reminded there is more to life than just boys and their Facebook relationship status. Although most teen romantic relationships do not last, first romances are considered practice for more mature bonds in adulthood and can lead to satisfying, committed relationships in early adulthood.2
The shocking news of singer Chris Brown assaulting his popstar girlfriend Rihanna hit the headlines and gave parents an unfortunate teachable moment to discuss how relationships, especially early ones, need to be free of abuse of any kind. Surveys are showing that young women between the ages of 16 and 24 are the most likely to be abused.3 Our current economic climate is not helping matters and domestic abuse is on the rise. Calgary officials estimate three to five children in each classroom in our city has witnessed some sort of family violence. If you are in a relationship, are you providing a healthy model for your teenager to pattern from? It is important to remember your actions speak louder than words. Rihanna's ordeal has generated more resources being available to teens online. One example is Loveisrespect.org, a teen dating abuse helpline. I put a dollar store plaque in the kitchen to remind us that Love Blooms Where Kindness is Planted.
Finally, take the time to sit back and assess your teen's readiness to date. Is he or she a well-rounded individual with their own sense of identity? Do they possess a good amount of self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem? Does he/she have knowledge of appropriate dating behaviour? Have they successfully participated in "early dating"? Are their friends starting to date? Do they understand the nuances between love, lust and infatuation? I know this is alot to throw out there, but the carefully considered answers to these questions in your own mind will help you start to travel down the path to allowing your teen to "alone date". Try to address any outstanding issues with your teen well before the inevitable request to date is made. Counselling may be helpful, and a wealth of resources and information can be found on the internet using the power of Google, both for parent and teens.
Apprehensive parents can take heart in a recent teen survey reported by Maclean's in Canada, teens are less sexually active than in the 1990s, condom use is up and teen pregnancy rates are declining.4
The main motivation here seems to be a desire to create a stable adult life. Teenagers doing what they are told? What a concept! Or are they wanting what their parents were unable to provide for them? Either way our next generation seems to be turning into the healthy, responsible adults we all are hoping for.
Here are some websites the CBE teachers are using as teaching resources:
www.teachingsexualhealth.ca
www.sexualityandu.ca
1 Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Vol.28, No 4, 1999
2 Teens and Dating: Tips for Parents and Professionals. University of Florida. 2006
3 Parents can use Rhianna's bad example to teach kids a lesson, Calgary Sun, March 14, 2009
4 Generation Tame, Maclean's, April 13, 2009
originally published in the June/July 2009 issue of the Western Parent
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