"In spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" opined Lord Alfred Tennyson. He got it wrong for our house where spring is springing but our young men are not the least bit fanciful, let alone thinking of love! Our young teen is more or less oblivious to the opposite sex and the other soon-to-be teen is fending girls off with disinterested texts all the while filling his phone with bikini pix. Our tween daughter is another story. She and many of the girls in grade 6 are consumed with who is "going out" with who and updating their Facebook relationship status lines. Is this just innocent play? Some parents of friends don't appear to think so and have pre-emptively set rules forbidding dating until after high school. What is going on? Is my daughter growing up too fast? Are my sons growing up too slow? Who knew there would be dating in grade 6? My first boyfriend was in grade 8! I must admit I felt a little out of the loop, so I did some online sleuthing to get up to speed.
I found that there is a stage of dating which is called early dating for kids aged 10 to 14. This stage begins with 10 to 12 year olds using the term "dating" to refer to simply liking someone. "Going out" usually involves a boy and a girl hanging out together within their social groups at recess and lunch at school. Not surprisingly, every kid is different going through these stages depending upon their maturity, hormones, role models and upbringing. Behaviour modelling may have a role to play here. My son in a small town grade K to 8 school is not seeing couples and has not engaged in early dating. My two kids in a suburban middle school are seeing lots of couples in grades 8 and 9 and may be modelling that behaviour. Girls tend to mature faster than boys and will generally encourage boys to engage in early dating as early as grade 5. Some boys will refuse outright and some will reluctantly join in, while others will participate wholeheartedly. These types of relationships should not be a source of concern for parents as long as the kids are not seeking out "alone time". Dating in a group is the most healthy forum for tweens and teens to learn more about themselves and their "date". Unfortunately some experiences at this age may colour later attitudes, such as our son's experience of being unceremoniously "dumped" and then ridiculed by a group of girls. It is easy to see that there will be alot of confusion and uncertainty at this stage. Parents should encourage respectful behaviour even at this early stage of dating to set the stage for healthy relationships in the future.
As kids get older they still should be discouraged from spending unsupervised alone time with each other until at least the age of 14, according to Dr. David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University. Kids younger than 14 do not have the social and interpersonal skills that are required in dating situations.(1) Alone time in early dating can lead to several problems. Kid's relationship skills will stay superficial, they will spend less time with same-sex friends, and their personal identity will be underdeveloped and perhaps remain that way. A teen's main job in life is to establish their identity. This task of self-discovery can be guided by education, experiences, environment and coaching. If a teen is overly involved with another person this process may be skewed. Early sexual experimentation may result as well, simply due to long term closeness and boredom, but also due to peer pressure. Younger teens are more susceptible to peer pressure than older kids who have a more well-developed sense of who they are and what they want for their life. Experts agree that people need a sense of personal identity before they can be really close to another person.
It all comes down to communication between kid and parent throughout these trying times, which is often difficult and yet essential. Parents need to develop techniques which will work for their own unique tween/teen. Some will chat away about their "love life" while others will need to be asked specific questions about their day and about who is a part of their tween/teen's life. Keeping an eye on your kids' Facebook or Myspace pages can provide clues as well, leading to conversations and teachable moments. Throughout these trying times in a tween/teen's life it is important for parents to watch for opportune times to express your love and admiration for your child. Parents can also encourage healthy group activities, inviting kids over for pizza and movies in a supervised setting, or going bowling together. Perhaps an older twentyish sibling or family friend could supervise if kids find a parental presence too stifling. These experiences will help tweens/teens learn how to positively relate to each other in settings outside of school and will set the stage for healthy "alone" dating when they are older.
(1) "Deciding about Early Dating" prepared by Virginia Molgaard, Iowa State University specialist in human development and family life, November 1995 (web document)
For further information here are some good websites:
kidshelpphone.ca: section on dating
connectwithkids.com: information and parent forums
kidshealth.org: information for parents and kids
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mom in a blended family and part time writer who blends her life in Calgary and Rocky Mountain House.
This was originally published in The Western Parent magazine, April/May issue, 2009
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