Teens Scootering Legal on Alberta Roads

The reaction at our house was predictable, high fives and hooting and hollering between our two thirteen year old boys. We found out that the Government of Alberta changed the law to allow 14 year olds to ride 50cc scooters up to 70km/hr alone on Alberta roads. This change opens up some scooters to our teens which were previously prohibited because of their weight and speed. The Alberta Government harmonized our legislation with Federal guidelines, and we now join Quebec in allowing 14 year olds to ride the bigger, faster scooters. So while our teens will have to wait until they are 16 to drive a car without another driver present, they will be able to tool around on their scooters alone which opens up a world of independence. Our two boys and even my 11 year old daughter are thrilled and are already drooling over their choice of ride. But do we really want to let our boys out into the wild of Albertan drivers, especially frustrated Calgary drivers? Do we want to expose our kids to such risk? An article posted by the CBC on their website introducing the new law brought just as many favourable reader comments as unfavourable. Parents will be weighing the decision to allow their teen to ride at 14 or not. Here are some of the factors which will be needed to make the best choice for each teen.

The new law states that a 14 year old must obtain their learners permit (Class 7) from Alberta Motor Vehicles in order to ride. This consists of taking a vision test and a written test on the rules of the road. Service Alberta has driver training manuals and practice tests on their website. ¹ Parents need to note too that insurance, registration and a motorcycle helmet are required. The scooters themselves are made by all of the name brand motorcycle companies such as Yamaha, Honda, Kawasaki as well as some Italian companies like Piaggio and Vespa. Chinese or Taiwanese made scooters should be avoided until their quality improves. All scooters need to be equipped with a headlamp, tail lamp, brake lamp, reflectors, brakes, horn, muffler and mirror. Since these vehicles are low speed you must ride on the right side of the road, unless you are making a left turn. Under the age of 16 kids cannot carry a passenger.

One of the considerations to be made is how experienced your teen is with a scooter. Familiarity with the scooter controls and knowledge of rules of the road will be critical. In the press release even the Alberta Government recognized that the biggest risk for new riders is their unfamiliarity with the controls and handling characteristics of small vehicles. They are lighter, less stable and more vulnerable in a crash. Our boys have some experience riding small vehicles, having grown up riding dirt bikes and ATVs offroad, however this is not the case for all teens, especially kids from the city. For those who have no riding experience and/or parents who want their teen to get extra training and experience before riding, the Calgary Safety Council² offers a Scooter Training Course. This course is offered over three nights, one night is spent in the classroom and two nights are on scooters in their practice street area which is set up with a road course complete with intersections and lights, etc. We are going to insist that our boys successfully complete this course! We are also lucky in that both my husband and I have our motorcycle licences so we will ride along with our kids for the first few rides and then from time to time to ensure that they are riding safely. It helps that we live in fairly quiet traffic areas. For those without a motorcycle they could follow their teen in a car or go to a big empty parking lot and supervise a practice session. Anything to improve parents' comfort level to see how well the teens can actually ride.

Statistics show that most scooter accidents are caused when another driver makes a right or left turn in front of them, or when another driver changes lanes into them. Scooters are relatively small and quiet so ensuring visibility is paramount. In fact, according to Ken Condon, acclaimed motorcycle safety expert, this is the top concern. ³ In his new book he says that wearing bright clothing and having a bright helmet (white being the most visible) are most important. He also urges riders to ride within their abilities, do not attempt any risky maneuvers. Don't ride too close to any other vehicle. Learn to recognize and manage high risk situations such as when a driver is distracted talking on their cell phone, give them a wide berth. Sharpen your visual awareness while driving. Remember to look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go. Understand the traction of a scooter, avoid gravel patches if at all possible or slow down and ride over them straight. Purchasing this book, or a Scooters for Dummies-type book would also be a benefit to your teen, and it might actually get them reading!

Finally, the big consideration for parents will be "is my kid ready for this"? Is your child mature and responsible enough to understand the risks and manage them appropriately? With the independence can they be trusted to go where they say they are going to go and come back on time? Many have commented on the CBC article by saying there is no way they are going to allow their kid on the road with our crazy traffic and drivers.⁴ A scooter dealer commented that "[Scooters] are not speed demons. The irresponsible typically don't ride scooters. That's the truth of it. The irresponsible think that [scooters] are nerdy. The responsible think they are practical." We are going to wait and see. Once our kids turn 14, if they are still chomping at the bit to get a scooter we will execute our training plans and if they pass to our satisfaction they will be riding on their own to school next spring!




Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a Calgary writer and a mother of three tweens who is looking forward to doing less chauffeuring!

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¹ servicealberta.ab.gov.ca

² www.calgarysafetycouncil.com

³ Condon, Ken. Riding in the Zone: Advanced Techniques for Skillful Motorcycling, 2008.

⁴ www.cbc.ca Teenage Albertans gain more moped options, July 2, 2009

This article was originally published in the August/September issue of the Western Parent, 2009

So You Think You Can Date

When my son turned 13 yesterday I took a peek into the future and scared myself silly! Eeek! My baby out on a real alone-time date in a year or so?! Is he ready? Am I ready? Stop this time machine, I want to get off! Of course we all know we cannot stop time, as much as we would love to. So I am making myself a list and checking it twice to ensure that we have covered all the bases before he gets his crack at them!

Parents need to prepare their teenagers well for this all important step into the world of relationships. Schools generally are providing information on sexuality and healthy relationships to kids however parents need to provide specific guidance based on your teen's unique situation and issues. Read through the material being used by the schools to give you an idea of what you are dealing with and where your ideas may converge or differ. I have listed two such websites used by the Calgary Board of Education. Communication with a teen is primarily an exercise in listening. Position yourself as approachable and conversational and be sure to add a good measure of humour. Ask open-ended questions while sharing your relationship wisdom and values. If you have non-negotiables let them know, as it pertains to such issues as sex (safe or none) or curfews. Studies show that children who feel they can talk with their parents about sex and relationships are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviour.

The difference between boys and girls at this stage is well documented. According to a Penn State study in 1999, girls were found to have intimacy skills, while boys were found lacking. This "makes boys more vulnerable because they fall in love faster. They also take breaking up harder than girls"¹. Parents should watch for boys getting stressed by the prospects of dating and provide them with an out, letting them know that it is ok to go at their own pace. On the other hand, girls tend to have a larger social investment in dating. When my son's friend threatened to break up with his girlfriend on the day of the school dance I reminded him to think of her feelings and status, not just his own. Girls need to be reminded there is more to life than just boys and their Facebook relationship status. Although most teen romantic relationships do not last, first romances are considered practice for more mature bonds in adulthood and can lead to satisfying, committed relationships in early adulthood.²

The shocking news of singer Chris Brown assaulting his popstar girlfriend Rihanna hit the headlines and gave parents an unfortunate teachable moment to discuss how relationships, especially early ones, need to be free of abuse of any kind. Surveys are showing that young women between the ages of 16 and 24 are the most likely to be abused.³ Our current economic climate is not helping matters and domestic abuse is on the rise. Calgary officials estimate three to five children in each classroom in our city has witnessed some sort of family violence. If you are in a relationship, are you providing a healthy model for your teenager to pattern from? It is important to remember your actions speak louder than words. Rihanna's ordeal has generated more resources being available to teens online. One example is Loveisrespect.org, a teen dating abuse helpline. I put a dollar store plaque in the kitchen to remind us that Love Blooms Where Kindness is Planted.

Finally, take the time to sit back and assess your teen's readiness to date. Is he or she a well-rounded individual with their own sense of identity? Do they possess a good amount of self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem? Does he/she have knowledge of appropriate dating behaviour? Have they successfully participated in "early dating"? Are their friends starting to date? Do they understand the nuances between love, lust and infatuation? I know this is alot to throw out there, but the carefully considered answers to these questions in your own mind will help you start to travel down the path to allowing your teen to "alone date". Try to address any outstanding issues with your teen well before the inevitable request to date is made. Counselling may be helpful, and a wealth of resources and information can be found on the internet using the power of Google, both for parent and teens.

Apprehensive parents can take heart in a recent teen survey reported by Maclean's in Canada, teens are less sexually active than in the 1990s, condom use is up and teen pregnancy rates are declining.⁴
The main motivation here seems to be a desire to create a stable adult life. Teenagers doing what they are told? What a concept! Or are they wanting what their parents were unable to provide for them? Either way our next generation seems to be turning into the healthy, responsible adults we all are hoping for.


Here are some websites the CBE teachers are using as teaching resources:

www.teachingsexualhealth.ca
www.sexualityandu.ca

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¹ Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Vol.28, No 4, 1999

² Teens and Dating: Tips for Parents and Professionals. University of Florida. 2006

³ Parents can use Rhianna's bad example to teach kids a lesson, Calgary Sun, March 14, 2009

⁴ Generation Tame, Maclean's, April 13, 2009

originally published in the June/July 2009 issue of the Western Parent

Tween/Teen Early Dating Decisions

"In spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" opined Lord Alfred Tennyson.  He got it wrong for our house where spring is springing but our young men are not the least bit fanciful, let alone thinking of love!  Our young teen is more or less oblivious to the opposite sex and the other soon-to-be teen is fending girls off with disinterested texts all the while filling his phone with bikini pix.  Our tween daughter is another story.  She and many of the girls in grade 6 are consumed with who is "going out" with who and updating their Facebook relationship status lines. Is this just innocent play?  Some parents of friends don't appear to think so and have pre-emptively set rules forbidding dating until after high school. What is going on?  Is my daughter growing up too fast?  Are my sons growing up too slow?  Who knew there would be dating in grade 6?  My first boyfriend was in grade 8!  I must admit I felt a little out of the loop, so I did some online sleuthing to get up to speed.  

I found that there is a stage of dating which is called early dating for kids aged 10 to 14.  This stage begins with 10 to 12 year olds using the term "dating" to refer to simply liking someone.  "Going out" usually involves a boy and a girl hanging out together within their social groups at recess and lunch at school.  Not surprisingly, every kid is different going through these stages depending upon their maturity, hormones, role models and upbringing. Behaviour modelling may have a role to play here.  My son in a small town grade K to 8 school is not seeing couples and has not engaged in early dating.  My two kids in a suburban middle school are seeing lots of couples in grades 8 and 9 and may be modelling that behaviour.  Girls tend to mature faster than boys and will generally encourage boys to engage in early dating as early as grade 5.  Some boys will refuse outright and some will reluctantly join in, while others will participate wholeheartedly.  These types of relationships should not be a source of concern for parents as long as the kids are not seeking out "alone time".  Dating in a group is the most healthy forum for tweens and teens to learn more about themselves and their "date". Unfortunately some experiences at this age may colour later attitudes, such as our son's experience of being unceremoniously "dumped" and then ridiculed by a group of girls. It is easy to see that there will be alot of confusion and uncertainty at this stage.   Parents should encourage respectful behaviour even at this early stage of dating to set the stage for healthy relationships in the future.

As kids get older they still should be discouraged from spending unsupervised alone time with each other until at least the age of 14, according to Dr. David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University.  Kids younger than 14 do not have the social and interpersonal skills that are required in dating situations.(1)  Alone time in early dating can lead to several problems.  Kid's relationship skills will stay superficial, they will spend less time with same-sex friends, and their personal identity will be underdeveloped and perhaps remain that way.  A teen's main job in life is to establish their identity.  This task of self-discovery can be guided by education, experiences, environment and coaching.  If a teen is overly involved with another person this process may be skewed.  Early sexual experimentation may result as well, simply due to long term closeness and boredom, but also due to peer pressure.  Younger teens are more susceptible to peer pressure than older kids who have a more well-developed sense of who they are and what they want for their life.   Experts agree that people need a sense of personal identity before they can be really close to another person.

It all comes down to communication between kid and parent throughout these trying times, which is often difficult and yet essential.  Parents need to develop techniques which will work for their own unique tween/teen.  Some will chat away about their "love life" while others will need to be asked specific questions about their day and about who is a part of their tween/teen's life.  Keeping an eye on your kids' Facebook or Myspace pages can provide clues as well, leading to conversations and teachable moments.   Throughout these trying times in a tween/teen's life it is important for parents to watch for opportune times to express your love and admiration for your child.  Parents can also encourage healthy group activities, inviting kids over for pizza and movies in a supervised setting, or going bowling together.  Perhaps an older twentyish sibling or family friend could supervise if kids find a parental presence too stifling.  These experiences will help tweens/teens learn how to positively relate to each other in settings outside of school and will set the stage for healthy "alone" dating when they are older.

(1)  "Deciding about Early Dating" prepared by Virginia Molgaard, Iowa State University specialist in human development and family life, November 1995 (web document)

For further information here are some good websites:

kidshelpphone.ca:  section on dating

connectwithkids.com: information and parent forums

kidshealth.org: information for parents and kids


Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mom in a blended family and part time writer who blends her life in Calgary and Rocky Mountain House.






This was originally published in The Western Parent magazine, April/May issue, 2009

An Online Video Game Primer for Parents

The Christmas lists in our house this year are filled with video games and their accessories, not unlike many of our friends' houses. The video game industry is a multi-billion dollar industry, extremely popular with a wired generation and increasingly so for a generation raised on board games. However a modern tragedy which recently occurred back east has cast a pall of parental trepidation over online video gaming. A family struggled with doing the right thing for their online video game obsessed son, and his accidental death after he ran away from home has got us all wondering if we are doing the right thing for our children. I must admit this story hit close to home for us, since all 5 of us (mum, dad and three pre-teens) enjoy online gaming and the internet. It sparked discussion, teachable moments and some soul searching as a parent. In addition I heard anecdotally of a backlash against online video gaming, saying the games are addictive, violent and rife with predators. Some parents pulled the plug on their games while others took a stand, not allowing them to be set up in the future. Obviously every parent has the right to determine what is best for their family. With the rapid onslaught of online video gaming there is much to be considered in making informed choices, so I thought I would run through the information I took into consideration when making the decision to continue to allow my children to play online video games.

Our children are the first generation of "digital natives", as opposed to us older "digital immigrants". It will be their generation which will figure out how to actually use the digital tools that have been created. The MacArthur Foundation in the US recently released a study suggesting that teenagers and their online social world tends to be downplayed as strictly recreational by many adults, when in actual fact their online world is a new kind of a social dynamic which is rapidly evolving. The study claims that "spending time online is essential for young people to pick up the social and technical skills they need to be competent citizens in the digital age." Facebook, MySpace and online video gaming are all part of this online social world. I was amazed to see my son play Halo 3 online on his Xbox 360 with a friend who had recently moved to Costa Rica, talking the whole time on their headsets back and forth like they were sitting together on the couch. He can just as easily play with his friends in Calgary, each sitting in their respective houses. Often times he has friends come over and he teaches them how to play while they are online with other friends. This has become a major socialization skill and ordering tool apparently. He has even set tangible goals for himself like improving his gamerscore to 10,000 by Christmas. My daughter plays Stardoll, an online doll dress up site, wildly popular with tween girls. By using the chat component, she was able to help a fellow player from Argentina work through an english assignment and she in turn helped my daughter with her spanish homework. My boys have spent many hours watching and creating YouTube videos featuring parodies, glitches and tips relating to the video games they play. The gameplay and the internet itself allows for creativity and self-directed learning. Games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band have introduced them to a whole discography I only could have hoped they would listen to. Even basic skills like eye-hand coordination have improved. All of these skills will be needed in their future.

Reaching a comfort level to have the kids independently using these games did not happen overnight. Countless hours were and are spent monitoring play. Teaching net etiquette and safety while online are crucial. These are great opportunities to spend time with your child, and playing online with them is even better! Our kids know to not respond to questions outside of the realm of gameplay unless they are certain they know who they are talking to. Beware of internet "trolls" who may just want to provoke or disrupt normal gameplay or discussion. They know to never give out personal information and never ever to meet an online contact in person without a parent present. There are parental controls on game consoles which can be adjusted depending on the age and maturity of your child. Games are rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) as to their age levels. Everyone can play E rated games, however T(een) and M(ature) games can be more graphic and/or violent. It is up to you and your family to decide what games are appropriate for you. There are thousands to choose from so rest assured if there is a conflict there will be alternatives to offer. For every study claiming video game violence encourages real life violence, there is another study claiming violent games show the consequences of such behaviour. We learned the hard way to not associate a credit card with your Xbox Live account. Simply purchase online play card at your local gaming store. These games teach a great deal about patience when it comes to set up and on-going connectivity! Being part of a new technology involves a learning curve with bumps along the way. We had Shaw crank our internet speed up a notch to prevent lag in gameplay. We have struggled with time limits for gameplay. A three hour stint should be the maximum. The initial attraction to a game will generally fall away as time goes on and/or once game points have been achieved, only to be replaced by a new game. Some rules are carved in stone: game playing does not interfere with school, homework or extra-curricular activities such as soccer and dance, as well as games should be wound up at least one hour before bed to allow the brain to prepare for sleep. Reading books is an appropriate before bed activity once teeth are brushed and pjs are on.

Instead of closing the door entirely and potentially denying children the chance to join their peer group online, parents can and should educate themselves and subsequently assist their children learn safe and healthy ways to play online video games. This skill is now a crucial component of your child's life and they will appreciate your interest and your guidance.


The MacArthur Foundation
http://www.macfound.org


Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum in a blended family and part time writer/accountant living in both urban and rural Alberta.

Weathering the perfect storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family

Weathering The Perfect Storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family

by Andrea Garnier Spongberg

Disciplining children is a challenge for most parents, but especially challenging for parents in a blended family. In a joint custody situation the blended family may only be together for limited amounts of time or even less if there is limited access. This lack of continuity can be an issue for both parents and children when trying to establish rules, habits and values which require ongoing support. Children are subject to the discipline styles of two houses instead of one, with the possibility of having two parents and two step-parents giving input. All parties may also be experiencing grief or depression or just experiencing a lack of stablity in their life, charting new courses for themselves as individuals and as a family. The parents may also be struggling to overcome patterns or feelings from their previous relationship(s), and/or working at nurturing a new relationship. Allegiances between biological parent and child may hamstring step-family allegiances. All of these conditions create a perfect storm; a distinctly difficult environment in which to effectively discipline children.

Discipline is an amorphous concept, different to almost everyone based on my anecdotal survey. Wikipedia says that discipline means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior." Very often discipline reverts to it's negative connotation, that of enforcing order through punishment, seemingly without the guidance and education component. It is our job as parents to not lose that component in the hectic milieu of our lives. Most importantly discipline should come from a place of caring (from a step-parent), and love (from the biological parent) for the child.

Here a few pointers which should help blended families weather the perfect storm:

Be proactive and develop a family mission statement, values and rules of conduct together: Once parents have developed a framework and basic tenets together, the children can be brought into the process and the details fleshed out as a family. Establish clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depending on your children you may want to define the natural consequences which will address transgressions, or leave them open-ended to ensure they are the best fit. Guidelines can be created for parents as well, such as establishing a "no yelling" and "no hitting" policy to provide a secure environment for kids unsure about the new adult(s) in their lives. Meetings on a regular basis can be scheduled to provide education on values, and updating guidelines for new situations as children mature. Aim for "flexible consistency" and keep your eyes on the big picture. Depending on the situation you may want to commuicate these guidelines to the childrens' other parents in order to allow for consistent treatment in both houses. Just make sure you do so in a non-judgmental way.

Misbehaviour in children is often the result of an underlying problem: The child may have a distinct purpose in mind when acting out. Identification of that purpose will help define the solution. In tough blended family situations professional counselling may be necessary to provide a safe venue to explore the issues, individually and together as a family. Many times it is a lack of parental attention that triggers children to attract attention, any attention, even if it is negative. Children could be seeking power in a relationship in which they feel powerless. They may be seeking revenge for perceived injustice, or perhaps they are suffering from an overall lack of self-esteem and confidence. It could even be as basic as a need for food, shelter, and comfort. Whatever the purpose, it is important to keep these motivations in mind while attempting to educate and help the child.

React to misbehaviour as a team: This is crucial in a blended family! If you need to, time out the child, take a deep breath, consult with your spouse, work out an agreement you can both live with which includes natural consequence based on your family rules, and aim at your larger goals. Do not disagree with your spouse in front of the child since that will only create doubt and a forum for the child to test allegiances. The step-parent may have difficulty enforcing boundaries until they are accepted, so it is best to play that by ear. They may take the role of an unfamiliar aunt/uncle at first to couch responses appropriately. The biological parent can verbally "authorize" the step-parent in front of the child to act in their place. The use of appropriate humour may help. Remember however that some issues are non-negotiable when it comes to safety and respect. Depending on the severity of the misbehaviour you may also want to inform the other biological parent of the situation so as to provide some continuity for the solution.

Teach your children values important to the family and coping skills: Many good books, websites and workbooks exist to help teach essential values that will help your child self-police their behaviour. One of my favourites is Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michelle Borba. (2001) She provides explicit instructions for parents to teach Empathy, Conscience, Self-Control, Respect, Kindness, Tolerance and Fairness. Remember that you are your child's most important role model and that you need to teach by example in your daily life.

Read parenting books and websites, take courses to keep your resolve: It can be tough to maintain calm and consistency. Reviewing can help. Step-parents without biological children should take a parenting course and familiarize themselves with age appropriate behaviour. An incredibly helpful site for building a co-parenting team can be found at Break the Cycle! website at http://sfhelp.org. Peter Gerlach, MSW, has posted over 150 articles and even an online course for parents of blended families.

Do not expect this to go quickly or smoothly and without bumps along the way! Experts say that it takes more than seven years for a blended family to fully coalesce. This time will be extended if your family is not together all the time.

Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a parent and step-parent in a newly blended half-time family, a graduate of the Columbia College Education Assistant program, and only an armchair psychologist.


This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.

Catching up with the Kids

Catching up with the kids

by Andrea Garnier Spongberg

We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:

TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.

EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.

CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.

APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.

SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.

PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.

BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.

MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.

SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.

So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.



Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182



Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.

This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.

Shared Parenting: Worth the Effort

When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:


Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.

Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.

Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.

Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.

Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.

Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.

Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.

Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.

Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.

Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.



The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices

Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf

This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/

note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta