The Christmas lists in our house this year are filled with video games and their accessories, not unlike many of our friends' houses. The video game industry is a multi-billion dollar industry, extremely popular with a wired generation and increasingly so for a generation raised on board games. However a modern tragedy which recently occurred back east has cast a pall of parental trepidation over online video gaming. A family struggled with doing the right thing for their online video game obsessed son, and his accidental death after he ran away from home has got us all wondering if we are doing the right thing for our children. I must admit this story hit close to home for us, since all 5 of us (mum, dad and three pre-teens) enjoy online gaming and the internet. It sparked discussion, teachable moments and some soul searching as a parent. In addition I heard anecdotally of a backlash against online video gaming, saying the games are addictive, violent and rife with predators. Some parents pulled the plug on their games while others took a stand, not allowing them to be set up in the future. Obviously every parent has the right to determine what is best for their family. With the rapid onslaught of online video gaming there is much to be considered in making informed choices, so I thought I would run through the information I took into consideration when making the decision to continue to allow my children to play online video games.
Our children are the first generation of "digital natives", as opposed to us older "digital immigrants". It will be their generation which will figure out how to actually use the digital tools that have been created. The MacArthur Foundation in the US recently released a study suggesting that teenagers and their online social world tends to be downplayed as strictly recreational by many adults, when in actual fact their online world is a new kind of a social dynamic which is rapidly evolving. The study claims that "spending time online is essential for young people to pick up the social and technical skills they need to be competent citizens in the digital age." Facebook, MySpace and online video gaming are all part of this online social world. I was amazed to see my son play Halo 3 online on his Xbox 360 with a friend who had recently moved to Costa Rica, talking the whole time on their headsets back and forth like they were sitting together on the couch. He can just as easily play with his friends in Calgary, each sitting in their respective houses. Often times he has friends come over and he teaches them how to play while they are online with other friends. This has become a major socialization skill and ordering tool apparently. He has even set tangible goals for himself like improving his gamerscore to 10,000 by Christmas. My daughter plays Stardoll, an online doll dress up site, wildly popular with tween girls. By using the chat component, she was able to help a fellow player from Argentina work through an english assignment and she in turn helped my daughter with her spanish homework. My boys have spent many hours watching and creating YouTube videos featuring parodies, glitches and tips relating to the video games they play. The gameplay and the internet itself allows for creativity and self-directed learning. Games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band have introduced them to a whole discography I only could have hoped they would listen to. Even basic skills like eye-hand coordination have improved. All of these skills will be needed in their future.
Reaching a comfort level to have the kids independently using these games did not happen overnight. Countless hours were and are spent monitoring play. Teaching net etiquette and safety while online are crucial. These are great opportunities to spend time with your child, and playing online with them is even better! Our kids know to not respond to questions outside of the realm of gameplay unless they are certain they know who they are talking to. Beware of internet "trolls" who may just want to provoke or disrupt normal gameplay or discussion. They know to never give out personal information and never ever to meet an online contact in person without a parent present. There are parental controls on game consoles which can be adjusted depending on the age and maturity of your child. Games are rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) as to their age levels. Everyone can play E rated games, however T(een) and M(ature) games can be more graphic and/or violent. It is up to you and your family to decide what games are appropriate for you. There are thousands to choose from so rest assured if there is a conflict there will be alternatives to offer. For every study claiming video game violence encourages real life violence, there is another study claiming violent games show the consequences of such behaviour. We learned the hard way to not associate a credit card with your Xbox Live account. Simply purchase online play card at your local gaming store. These games teach a great deal about patience when it comes to set up and on-going connectivity! Being part of a new technology involves a learning curve with bumps along the way. We had Shaw crank our internet speed up a notch to prevent lag in gameplay. We have struggled with time limits for gameplay. A three hour stint should be the maximum. The initial attraction to a game will generally fall away as time goes on and/or once game points have been achieved, only to be replaced by a new game. Some rules are carved in stone: game playing does not interfere with school, homework or extra-curricular activities such as soccer and dance, as well as games should be wound up at least one hour before bed to allow the brain to prepare for sleep. Reading books is an appropriate before bed activity once teeth are brushed and pjs are on.
Instead of closing the door entirely and potentially denying children the chance to join their peer group online, parents can and should educate themselves and subsequently assist their children learn safe and healthy ways to play online video games. This skill is now a crucial component of your child's life and they will appreciate your interest and your guidance.
The MacArthur Foundation
http://www.macfound.org
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum in a blended family and part time writer/accountant living in both urban and rural Alberta.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Friday, July 4, 2008
Weathering the perfect storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family
Weathering The Perfect Storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Disciplining children is a challenge for most parents, but especially challenging for parents in a blended family. In a joint custody situation the blended family may only be together for limited amounts of time or even less if there is limited access. This lack of continuity can be an issue for both parents and children when trying to establish rules, habits and values which require ongoing support. Children are subject to the discipline styles of two houses instead of one, with the possibility of having two parents and two step-parents giving input. All parties may also be experiencing grief or depression or just experiencing a lack of stablity in their life, charting new courses for themselves as individuals and as a family. The parents may also be struggling to overcome patterns or feelings from their previous relationship(s), and/or working at nurturing a new relationship. Allegiances between biological parent and child may hamstring step-family allegiances. All of these conditions create a perfect storm; a distinctly difficult environment in which to effectively discipline children.
Discipline is an amorphous concept, different to almost everyone based on my anecdotal survey. Wikipedia says that discipline means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior." Very often discipline reverts to it's negative connotation, that of enforcing order through punishment, seemingly without the guidance and education component. It is our job as parents to not lose that component in the hectic milieu of our lives. Most importantly discipline should come from a place of caring (from a step-parent), and love (from the biological parent) for the child.
Here a few pointers which should help blended families weather the perfect storm:
Be proactive and develop a family mission statement, values and rules of conduct together: Once parents have developed a framework and basic tenets together, the children can be brought into the process and the details fleshed out as a family. Establish clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depending on your children you may want to define the natural consequences which will address transgressions, or leave them open-ended to ensure they are the best fit. Guidelines can be created for parents as well, such as establishing a "no yelling" and "no hitting" policy to provide a secure environment for kids unsure about the new adult(s) in their lives. Meetings on a regular basis can be scheduled to provide education on values, and updating guidelines for new situations as children mature. Aim for "flexible consistency" and keep your eyes on the big picture. Depending on the situation you may want to commuicate these guidelines to the childrens' other parents in order to allow for consistent treatment in both houses. Just make sure you do so in a non-judgmental way.
Misbehaviour in children is often the result of an underlying problem: The child may have a distinct purpose in mind when acting out. Identification of that purpose will help define the solution. In tough blended family situations professional counselling may be necessary to provide a safe venue to explore the issues, individually and together as a family. Many times it is a lack of parental attention that triggers children to attract attention, any attention, even if it is negative. Children could be seeking power in a relationship in which they feel powerless. They may be seeking revenge for perceived injustice, or perhaps they are suffering from an overall lack of self-esteem and confidence. It could even be as basic as a need for food, shelter, and comfort. Whatever the purpose, it is important to keep these motivations in mind while attempting to educate and help the child.
React to misbehaviour as a team: This is crucial in a blended family! If you need to, time out the child, take a deep breath, consult with your spouse, work out an agreement you can both live with which includes natural consequence based on your family rules, and aim at your larger goals. Do not disagree with your spouse in front of the child since that will only create doubt and a forum for the child to test allegiances. The step-parent may have difficulty enforcing boundaries until they are accepted, so it is best to play that by ear. They may take the role of an unfamiliar aunt/uncle at first to couch responses appropriately. The biological parent can verbally "authorize" the step-parent in front of the child to act in their place. The use of appropriate humour may help. Remember however that some issues are non-negotiable when it comes to safety and respect. Depending on the severity of the misbehaviour you may also want to inform the other biological parent of the situation so as to provide some continuity for the solution.
Teach your children values important to the family and coping skills: Many good books, websites and workbooks exist to help teach essential values that will help your child self-police their behaviour. One of my favourites is Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michelle Borba. (2001) She provides explicit instructions for parents to teach Empathy, Conscience, Self-Control, Respect, Kindness, Tolerance and Fairness. Remember that you are your child's most important role model and that you need to teach by example in your daily life.
Read parenting books and websites, take courses to keep your resolve: It can be tough to maintain calm and consistency. Reviewing can help. Step-parents without biological children should take a parenting course and familiarize themselves with age appropriate behaviour. An incredibly helpful site for building a co-parenting team can be found at Break the Cycle! website at http://sfhelp.org. Peter Gerlach, MSW, has posted over 150 articles and even an online course for parents of blended families.
Do not expect this to go quickly or smoothly and without bumps along the way! Experts say that it takes more than seven years for a blended family to fully coalesce. This time will be extended if your family is not together all the time.
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a parent and step-parent in a newly blended half-time family, a graduate of the Columbia College Education Assistant program, and only an armchair psychologist.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Catching up with the Kids
Catching up with the kids
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:
TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.
EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.
CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.
APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.
PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.
BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.
MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.
SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.
So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.
Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182
Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.
This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:
TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.
EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.
CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.
APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.
PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.
BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.
MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.
SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.
So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.
Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182
Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.
This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Shared Parenting: Worth the Effort
When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:
Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.
Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.
Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.
Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.
Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.
Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.
Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.
Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.
Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.
Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.
The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices
Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf
This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/
note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta
Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.
Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.
Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.
Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.
Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.
Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.
Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.
Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.
Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.
Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.
The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices
Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf
This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/
note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta
Monday, November 5, 2007
Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay
Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay
By Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the hit 70s TV show the Brady Bunch, was onto something. An LA newspaper reported that 40% of families at that time included a child or children from a previous marriage. With this stat in mind he created the show which enjoyed wide success and syndication. The sitcom mined the many interesting dynamics present in a blended family. Fast forward to late summer 2007 when dramatic doom and gloom responses triggered by Statistics Canada reports that the nuclear family is "under siege" made me wonder if anyone remembered any episodes of the Brady Bunch. Granted, we were treated to Hollywood happy endings and hilarious hijinks bordering on dysfunction, however the show promoted the legitimacy of the blended family, and engendered warm fuzzy feelings from the idea of two “half-families” joining to create “one big happy family". With the divorce rate at 37% step families (one partner with children from a previous relationship) and blended families (both partners bringing children to the relationship) are a phenomenon that will only become more prevalent. Divorcing fathers and mothers are choosing shared (50/50) custody more often and family courts are following that lead. Blended families are not new, in fact less than a hundred years ago they were quite common what with illness, war, shorter life expectancies and the lack of modern medicine to save lives in the event of an accident. Widows and widowers with children remarried and carried on with the family enterprise. With this much history and good karma behind it, why is the step or blended family considered to be the poor cousin of the nuclear family? Clearly the naysayers are not aware of the wonderfully rich opportunities blended families present in our society
Blending a family can be a lot of fun, especially in our present society in which the sense of community has gone the way of the hoola hoop. My blended family became "official" this summer, as we jumped on the 7/7/07 bandwagon. We had a wonderful large family gathering which brought together two previously unintroduced families from Alberta and BC. Our three children now have an additional set of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and more distant family. This is in addition to the fact that they have gained step-siblings and another parent. If you include the fact that their other parent has also re-partnered, it is clear that my children now have many more familial relationships and opportunities for role models, and just someone to pass time with. Our base of operations changed so now my children have access to a rural lifestyle, in addition to their city living. Their number of pets increased. Their activities diversified with each family having different recreational pursuits. They have been introduced to new traditions, new foods, new computer games, and new ideas. Concepts such as sharing, negotiating, and empathizing needed to be dusted off, reviewed and broadened. All of this will benefit my children now and as they grow into independent, well-adjusted adults.
This is not to say that all is sweeteness and light in a blended family. Statistics show that blending a family can be a stressful and a lot of work. The Step Family Foundation in the US estimates that 66% of all step and blended family relationships break up. Children can pull partners in opposite directions. Children jealous of another person in their parent’s life be they an adult or a child can set off a chain reaction of guilt and feelings of rejection. Finding just the right balance between child and new partner can be daunting. Blended adult partners have to negotiate numerous issues ranging from discipline to allowances to bedtimes. Children often view new additions to their family as simply a “co-worker”, not someone they have any emotional attachment to. The attachment part only comes with time and effort and the opportunity to understand just what the other is all about. Most unfortunate is that some people who have divorced once seem pre-destined to do it again, as heartwrenching as it may be. That makes it very important that any rifts in the blended family are addressed quickly and openly. Regular family meetings help to identify and work out problems as they come up. The bigger, more contentious issues may require family counselling sessions to provide a neutral place and objective observer to help mediate and work out solutions that everyone can live with. Resources are available, however, they are hard to find and even harder to access with waiting lists and long appointment waits a fact of living in booming Calgary. The internet is a valuable source of information on step and blended families. Simply googling each term results in a whole host of organizations, professionals, and personal bloggers dedicated to improving the quality of life for the blended and step family. Rather than looking at the decline of the nuclear family as a sign that the end times are nigh, the time has come to examine the challenges and opportunities that can be found in step and blended families and do what we can to support these inclusive family models.
Some links for further information:
http://www.stepfamily.ca/ A Calgary-based Counselling and Information organization. They offer counselling, courses and several forms of support.
http://www.stepinstitute.ca/resources.html A Toronto-based Counselling and Information organization, this page has links to tons of great organizations, information and other sites. They offer telephone counselling.
http://www.stepfamiliescanada.com/ This service is based in Saskatoon.
(This article was printed in the latest issue of The Western Parent)
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