Well, it happened. My sons turned 14. They both eagerly (and confidently) raced to write their learner's knowledge test and both promptly failed! Time to take a deep breath and regroup. And yes, you guessed it, I jumped on the internet to do a little research to determine best-practices for parents of new drivers. Turns out the testing and the driver's education are just part of the process. Parents have an ongoing responsibility to familiarize themselves with the risks associated with young, inexperienced drivers and thoroughly map out a strategy for helping their teens become responsible, safe drivers. We need to tell our teens (and remind ourselves) that driving is a privilege not a right.
Albertan parents are placed in a particularly tough situation. The Government of Alberta allows kids to enter the learner's phase before all other provinces and territories in Canada, and there are only a handful of US states that allow 14 year old drivers. It's no surprise to learn that vehicle crashes are the leading killer of young people in Alberta and elsewhere. Back in 2002 the rate of casualty collisions for 16 and 17 year olds in Alberta was 28.8 per 1000 licenced drivers. That number has dropped to just below 20 per 1000, thanks in part to the introduction of graduated driver licensing in Alberta in May of 2003.1 Ontario was the first jurisdiction in North America to introduce GDL in 1994. Since then almost every province, state and territory has implemented the system whereby the new driver is eased into a full range of traffic conditions as experience and competency are gained. Alberta's GDL is not fool-proof. There is no requirement for certified driver's education as there is in some other jurisdictions. New drivers in Alberta are allowed to carry as many passengers as there are seatbelts for them, and they are only restricted from driving between midnight and 5am. There are, however, two road tests, a standard and an advanced road test before you can become a fully licenced driver. GDL has provided parents with a measure of comfort that their teens will be held to a high standard of rules and regulations, but keep in mind it is not a guarantee of your child's proficiency as a driver.
Over and over experts say that the biggest responsibility parents have is to promote safe driving by demonstrating safe driving themselves. The "do as I say, not as I do" sets a dangerous precedent for the new driver. Another important component is driver education which can teach valuable skills and techniques. Young Drivers of Canada provides 21 hours of classes as well as 13 driving sessions.2 Not only do they teach the rules of the road, they provide hands-on defensive driving techniques such as collision avoidance and emergency maneuvers. But teaching can only go so far. It is not so much a matter of technique or even trust that they will be responsible, as it is a matter of experience. Giving a teen lots of time behind the wheel of a 4000 pound machine with a parent riding shotgun and allowing them to practice over and over is what will make a big difference. Practice in all kinds of weather and traffic conditions. Whenever one gets behind the wheel the process of risk assessment begins. Completing that process again and again will help instill safe behaviours in the teen's subconscious mind.
Once a teen has sufficiently impressed their parents with their abilities and they have obtained their probationary licence, strict rules for driving alone need to be established. Many parents have their teen fill out a contract indicating what agreed upon consequences will result from transgressions. The "I Promise Program" out of Ontario offers a contract for a small sign up fee.3 The difference here is that a decal is affixed to the back window of the car asking "Am I driving safely?" and a 1-800 number. Should your child be reported to their centre as an unsafe driver you will be notified. Curfews, no passengers, no cellphones, always buckle up and no speeding are all rules that should be considered, all with consequences if they are breached. The whereabouts, destination and return time should always be communicated. I was interested to learn that 75% of new driver crashes happen on rural roads, mostly due to high speeds, gravel, alcohol and stunting with no one around to witness it. Special rules should be enforced for teens living on and near rural roads. Zero tolerance for alcohol and drugs should be strictly enforced. Participation in the local SADD chapter (formerly known as Students Against Drunk Driving and now known as Students Against Destructive Decisions) would be wise. This peer to peer youth education group has access to many resources and has helped countless teens do the right thing when it comes to driving and (not) drinking.
A special mention about vehicle choice, and ownership: Many teen TV shows glorify the kid who gets a sports car given to them for their 16th birthday. This is a questionable parenting decision. Research shows that teens will be more careful with the family car than they will with a vehicle of their own. And that car should not be a particularly "fast" or "cool" car either. It would be too much of a temptation to show off it's capabilities to their friends. Once the teen is ready for their own car they should buy it themselves with money they have earned, as well as pay for the insurance and repairs. Parents can help out with the costs, but the fact that the teen plunked down their own hard earned cash will go a long way to ensuring they do not do anything to damage it.
With three teens to usher through this process we have our work cut out for us. But driving is a fact of life in this huge land mass known as Canada. Teaching our kids to drive safely and confidently is a skill they will have for life and they will thank us for our efforts. Gaining this key to their independence will go a long way to ensuring their development as responsible members of society. And that is all a parent can wish for.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Helping your child manage shadow ADD
Helping Your Child Manage Shadow ADD
My son plopped down in a chair the other day and in an uncharacteristically despondent way said "Mum I think I have ADD". Up until that point the only time we talked about Attention Deficit Disorder was when one or the other of us was laughingly joking "I don't have ADD, I....hey look a squirrel!" All joking aside, his statement set off tiny alarm bells in my head (great now I'm hearing things!) With a family history of mental illness and a sneaking suspicion that I have attention deficit tendencies, I decided to do some research. ADD is no laughing matter for many people, young and old. Inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity can thwart attempts to live a normal life. But what if, as in my son's case, life is pretty normal except for problems organizing school work, getting in trouble for being too chatty in class and playing video games for hours at a time. I must admit this last one confused me as I thought ADD meant not being able to pay attention. But according to Kathleen Nadeau who explains this phenomenon in her book, Adventures in Fast Forward,
“in actuality, ADD is not a ‘deficit’ of attention, but a disorder in
which individuals have much less control over their responses to
stimuli. They are unable to regulate their attention.
Though they may have extreme difficulty focusing, organizing, and
completing certain mundane tasks, they are often able to focus intently
on other activities that interest them. This tendency to become
absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding is called
hyperfocus."1My son's symptoms are not overwhelming however they are frustrating for both him and me. My search led me to the conclusion that he may be suffering a mild form of ADD, a shadow ADD syndrome, as explained by John Ratey MD in his 1998 book "Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us." Medication has been developed to help mitigate symptoms of ADD that derail education and work. What can be done to help deal with shadow symptoms which may not warrant medication?
I discovered a wealth of information on the internet about coping with ADD. I will list a few that we are going to try:
Foods and Nutrition: Fatty acids are used to make brain and nerve tissue therefore omega 3 fatty acids found in fish, chia and walnuts can be helpful over the long term. Vitamins like magnesium, calcium and B6 have also found to be deficient in some people with ADD. Avoiding sugar can prevent blood sugar crashing. Eat at regular intervals.
Exercise: Consistent exercise can help, schedule a regular family walk after supper. Physical education at school should be encouraged. Exercise increases dopamine which can be low in people with ADD.
Establish Routines: ADD can often leave a person feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, where every day is a blank slate and deciding what to do can be overwhelming. Removing the decisions can create calm. Sit down with your child and decide on a schedule and help them stick to it. Have them do things like empty pockets in the same place every day when they get home. Bedtimes and wakeup times should be consistent and allow for a good 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Electronic devices should be turned off well in advance of bedtime to allow melatonin levels to rise and precipitate sleep.
Simplify: From decluttering their room and the house to limiting extra-curricular activities to just a few most-liked, simplification can decrease the amount of stimuli. Help you child clean out their backpack and binder from school and organize it appropriately.
Visual and Auditory Cues: Carry a 3x5 card each day with your goals for that day on it and refer to it often. Watches with chimes or alarms can help mark the passing of time and when certain tasks need to be done. iphones have infinite alarm capabilities.
Home Calendar: place a large calendar in a central location and record all family appointments and events. This will serve as a collective memory bank.
Homework Help: Homework needs to be monitored on a daily basis. Keep track of assignments using an agenda or an iPhone application. Homework should be done at the kitchen table to cut down on distractions and to allow for parental support. Big projects should be broken down into smaller bits and worked on over the course of the time available rather than trying to finish it all in one night before the deadline (or after the deadline!)
Consequences: Impulsivity can lead to poor and risky behaviour. Talk about consequences for such behaviour in advance. Establish rules and review them frequently.
Positive Attention: Catch your child being good and give them positive feedback immediately and frequently. This helps communicate the behaviour and skills you want to see. Be careful with your non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, facial expression and posture. Set aside positive one on one time of 20 minutes per day per child. Kids who feel loved, valued and positively connected with parents have high self esteem and are less likely to engage in risky behaviour.
I suppose now that we have started down this path I will become increasingly vigilant for signs of ADD in my son. I am hoping these coping strategies will provide him with the balance he desires. If it does not, the next step will be to seek professional opinion. I have recently become a fan of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover hosted by the effervescent Ty Pennington. He has ADHD (H stands for Hyperactive) and is a wonderful example of how one can use the "gifts" of this disorder. His energy, enthusiasm and hyperfocus provides the impetus for houses to be rebuilt in seven days, giving fabulous new homes to deserving families. Helping a child learn how to manage ADD now can provide good patterns going into adulthood, clear away their frustration, and provide optimism for their future.
Here are some further resources:
Keath Low, psychotherapist, maintains a helpful resource at http://add.about.com/
ADDitude Magazine online: www.additudemag.com
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum, writer and accountant who wonders how she would have made it through university without hyperfocus to write all those papers.
My son plopped down in a chair the other day and in an uncharacteristically despondent way said "Mum I think I have ADD". Up until that point the only time we talked about Attention Deficit Disorder was when one or the other of us was laughingly joking "I don't have ADD, I....hey look a squirrel!" All joking aside, his statement set off tiny alarm bells in my head (great now I'm hearing things!) With a family history of mental illness and a sneaking suspicion that I have attention deficit tendencies, I decided to do some research. ADD is no laughing matter for many people, young and old. Inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity can thwart attempts to live a normal life. But what if, as in my son's case, life is pretty normal except for problems organizing school work, getting in trouble for being too chatty in class and playing video games for hours at a time. I must admit this last one confused me as I thought ADD meant not being able to pay attention. But according to Kathleen Nadeau who explains this phenomenon in her book, Adventures in Fast Forward,
“in actuality, ADD is not a ‘deficit’ of attention, but a disorder in
which individuals have much less control over their responses to
stimuli. They are unable to regulate their attention.
Though they may have extreme difficulty focusing, organizing, and
completing certain mundane tasks, they are often able to focus intently
on other activities that interest them. This tendency to become
absorbed in tasks that are stimulating and rewarding is called
hyperfocus."1My son's symptoms are not overwhelming however they are frustrating for both him and me. My search led me to the conclusion that he may be suffering a mild form of ADD, a shadow ADD syndrome, as explained by John Ratey MD in his 1998 book "Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us." Medication has been developed to help mitigate symptoms of ADD that derail education and work. What can be done to help deal with shadow symptoms which may not warrant medication?
I discovered a wealth of information on the internet about coping with ADD. I will list a few that we are going to try:
Foods and Nutrition: Fatty acids are used to make brain and nerve tissue therefore omega 3 fatty acids found in fish, chia and walnuts can be helpful over the long term. Vitamins like magnesium, calcium and B6 have also found to be deficient in some people with ADD. Avoiding sugar can prevent blood sugar crashing. Eat at regular intervals.
Exercise: Consistent exercise can help, schedule a regular family walk after supper. Physical education at school should be encouraged. Exercise increases dopamine which can be low in people with ADD.
Establish Routines: ADD can often leave a person feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, where every day is a blank slate and deciding what to do can be overwhelming. Removing the decisions can create calm. Sit down with your child and decide on a schedule and help them stick to it. Have them do things like empty pockets in the same place every day when they get home. Bedtimes and wakeup times should be consistent and allow for a good 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Electronic devices should be turned off well in advance of bedtime to allow melatonin levels to rise and precipitate sleep.
Simplify: From decluttering their room and the house to limiting extra-curricular activities to just a few most-liked, simplification can decrease the amount of stimuli. Help you child clean out their backpack and binder from school and organize it appropriately.
Visual and Auditory Cues: Carry a 3x5 card each day with your goals for that day on it and refer to it often. Watches with chimes or alarms can help mark the passing of time and when certain tasks need to be done. iphones have infinite alarm capabilities.
Home Calendar: place a large calendar in a central location and record all family appointments and events. This will serve as a collective memory bank.
Homework Help: Homework needs to be monitored on a daily basis. Keep track of assignments using an agenda or an iPhone application. Homework should be done at the kitchen table to cut down on distractions and to allow for parental support. Big projects should be broken down into smaller bits and worked on over the course of the time available rather than trying to finish it all in one night before the deadline (or after the deadline!)
Consequences: Impulsivity can lead to poor and risky behaviour. Talk about consequences for such behaviour in advance. Establish rules and review them frequently.
Positive Attention: Catch your child being good and give them positive feedback immediately and frequently. This helps communicate the behaviour and skills you want to see. Be careful with your non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, facial expression and posture. Set aside positive one on one time of 20 minutes per day per child. Kids who feel loved, valued and positively connected with parents have high self esteem and are less likely to engage in risky behaviour.
I suppose now that we have started down this path I will become increasingly vigilant for signs of ADD in my son. I am hoping these coping strategies will provide him with the balance he desires. If it does not, the next step will be to seek professional opinion. I have recently become a fan of the TV show Extreme Home Makeover hosted by the effervescent Ty Pennington. He has ADHD (H stands for Hyperactive) and is a wonderful example of how one can use the "gifts" of this disorder. His energy, enthusiasm and hyperfocus provides the impetus for houses to be rebuilt in seven days, giving fabulous new homes to deserving families. Helping a child learn how to manage ADD now can provide good patterns going into adulthood, clear away their frustration, and provide optimism for their future.
Here are some further resources:
Keath Low, psychotherapist, maintains a helpful resource at http://add.about.com/
ADDitude Magazine online: www.additudemag.com
Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us, by John Ratey, MD, 1998. Shadow Syndromes information: http://www.addresources./article_shadow_syndromes_ratey.php
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum, writer and accountant who wonders how she would have made it through university without hyperfocus to write all those papers.
Digital Citizenship In Our Schools
Ok I admit it, I am a geek. I was entering data on a Compaq computer in 1984 and on the internet in 1992 when it was just a collection of bulletin boards. My mum jokes that I used the computer to babysit my kids, because they were all over my computer mashing the keyboard with their tiny hands before they could walk. While my generation was busy developing and learning how to use this wave of electronics that had suddenly changed our lives our kids were busy playing around with it and finding every diversion possible from lolcats to sexting. My kids were born digital natives, and as such, technology is an inextricable part of their lives and the lives of their peers. But they were born into the "wild west era" of technology when the free-wheeling nature of the development paid little attention to safety or codes of conduct. As quickly as I learned of new products and programs I would tell them about it and warn them of perils and pitfalls. I admit that we have all learned lessons along the way from the school of hard knocks, but we have emerged relatively unscathed. Our tech savvy family is ready to take on the opportunities and challenges life in the digital age will throw our way.
We held out hope their schools would reinforce our endeavours and accommodate advances technology provided, opening up vast unexplored territories of advancement and learning. Unfortunately for many years it seemed as though there was resistance in their schools. The Calgary Board of Education is a large bureaucracy and change presumably has to work its way through the system. Apparently they have been building the professional understanding and capabilities necessary to manage the technological and pedagogical leaps required. So we were excited to see the CBE's press release announcing a major breakthrough this past February, reported on the CBC news website.1 By this fall all Calgary public schools will have wireless networks installed and available for student use. Curtis Slater, the Board's technology researcher, said the idea is to give kids better access to the newest applications and online resources. The comments section for the article was full of howls of protest from parents and teachers alike wondering how this could possibly facilitate learning. From teens texting during class to middle school kids spending all their time on Facebook, there is alot of technological misuse occurring. A critical piece of training to help address these concerns, called Digital Citizenship, was also announced, which will be rolled out first to teachers and then to students.
Digital Citizenship was developed by an American, Dr. Mike Ribble and his associates. He is the director of technology for a school district in Kansas. He defines the concept as "the norms of appropriate, responsible behaviour with regard to technology use".2 There are nine elements in this framework to help children learn to become good digital citizens. Here is a brief summary of the elements which must be discussed, considered and utilized:
1. Digital Access: full electronic participation in society
2. Digital Commerce: electronic buying and selling of goods
3. Digital Communication: electronic exchange of information
4. Digital Literacy: process of teaching and learning about technology and the use of technology
5. Digital Etiquette: electronic standards of conduct or procedure
6. Digital Law: electronic responsibility for actions and deeds
7. Digital Rights and Responsibilities: those freedoms extended to everyone in a digital world
8. Digital Health and Wellness: physical and psychological well being in a digital technology world
9. Digital Security (self-protection): electronic precautions to guarantee safety
Learning and adopting these elements will indeed be a challenge for kids who have not previously had to examine and refine their technology habits. But it is necessary to make these changes in order for all of us to enjoy the benefits technology provides. Information and learning will be making a huge leap forward in the next few years as we see the introduction of the iPad and other fairly inexpensive devices that can access applications and the internet. Textbooks that were previously shared in classrooms will be available online and kept up to date electronically. Discussions and presentations that were previously available in a one-time only lecture will now be podcasted or posted to websites available 24/7 worldwide. Kids who are going to be needing to know how to use a laptop and programs like Excel and Word or whatever new version comes along will be able to learn these along the way with their schooling, rather than having to take courses on them once they have finished school. Their employers will demand high standards of technological skills and etiquette along with the reading, writing and arithmetic already being taught. Using new technology to learn means they can get two educations for the price of one!
Sure enough, we received a notice in our school newsletter last week that once Spring Break is over, our kids will be welcome to bring their personal electronic devices to school and make use of the newly installed wireless network. According to the Principal "the skillful ability to communicate, collaborate and connect is a key component of the global transformation of learning, working and living. The use of networked personal devices with the guidance of parents and teachers will allow for a more flexible, personalized learning experience where students have more choice in how they learn and demonstrate their understanding."3 This is music to my kids' ears. It will be very interesting to see how this all plays out. As a parent I will be an active participant in this process and I look forward to supporting my kids and their school as much as I can. I applaud the CBE for taking this first step into a larger world!
We held out hope their schools would reinforce our endeavours and accommodate advances technology provided, opening up vast unexplored territories of advancement and learning. Unfortunately for many years it seemed as though there was resistance in their schools. The Calgary Board of Education is a large bureaucracy and change presumably has to work its way through the system. Apparently they have been building the professional understanding and capabilities necessary to manage the technological and pedagogical leaps required. So we were excited to see the CBE's press release announcing a major breakthrough this past February, reported on the CBC news website.1 By this fall all Calgary public schools will have wireless networks installed and available for student use. Curtis Slater, the Board's technology researcher, said the idea is to give kids better access to the newest applications and online resources. The comments section for the article was full of howls of protest from parents and teachers alike wondering how this could possibly facilitate learning. From teens texting during class to middle school kids spending all their time on Facebook, there is alot of technological misuse occurring. A critical piece of training to help address these concerns, called Digital Citizenship, was also announced, which will be rolled out first to teachers and then to students.
Digital Citizenship was developed by an American, Dr. Mike Ribble and his associates. He is the director of technology for a school district in Kansas. He defines the concept as "the norms of appropriate, responsible behaviour with regard to technology use".2 There are nine elements in this framework to help children learn to become good digital citizens. Here is a brief summary of the elements which must be discussed, considered and utilized:
1. Digital Access: full electronic participation in society
2. Digital Commerce: electronic buying and selling of goods
3. Digital Communication: electronic exchange of information
4. Digital Literacy: process of teaching and learning about technology and the use of technology
5. Digital Etiquette: electronic standards of conduct or procedure
6. Digital Law: electronic responsibility for actions and deeds
7. Digital Rights and Responsibilities: those freedoms extended to everyone in a digital world
8. Digital Health and Wellness: physical and psychological well being in a digital technology world
9. Digital Security (self-protection): electronic precautions to guarantee safety
Learning and adopting these elements will indeed be a challenge for kids who have not previously had to examine and refine their technology habits. But it is necessary to make these changes in order for all of us to enjoy the benefits technology provides. Information and learning will be making a huge leap forward in the next few years as we see the introduction of the iPad and other fairly inexpensive devices that can access applications and the internet. Textbooks that were previously shared in classrooms will be available online and kept up to date electronically. Discussions and presentations that were previously available in a one-time only lecture will now be podcasted or posted to websites available 24/7 worldwide. Kids who are going to be needing to know how to use a laptop and programs like Excel and Word or whatever new version comes along will be able to learn these along the way with their schooling, rather than having to take courses on them once they have finished school. Their employers will demand high standards of technological skills and etiquette along with the reading, writing and arithmetic already being taught. Using new technology to learn means they can get two educations for the price of one!
Sure enough, we received a notice in our school newsletter last week that once Spring Break is over, our kids will be welcome to bring their personal electronic devices to school and make use of the newly installed wireless network. According to the Principal "the skillful ability to communicate, collaborate and connect is a key component of the global transformation of learning, working and living. The use of networked personal devices with the guidance of parents and teachers will allow for a more flexible, personalized learning experience where students have more choice in how they learn and demonstrate their understanding."3 This is music to my kids' ears. It will be very interesting to see how this all plays out. As a parent I will be an active participant in this process and I look forward to supporting my kids and their school as much as I can. I applaud the CBE for taking this first step into a larger world!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Teens Scootering Legal on Alberta Roads
The reaction at our house was predictable, high fives and hooting and hollering between our two thirteen year old boys. We found out that the Government of Alberta changed the law to allow 14 year olds to ride 50cc scooters up to 70km/hr alone on Alberta roads. This change opens up some scooters to our teens which were previously prohibited because of their weight and speed. The Alberta Government harmonized our legislation with Federal guidelines, and we now join Quebec in allowing 14 year olds to ride the bigger, faster scooters. So while our teens will have to wait until they are 16 to drive a car without another driver present, they will be able to tool around on their scooters alone which opens up a world of independence. Our two boys and even my 11 year old daughter are thrilled and are already drooling over their choice of ride. But do we really want to let our boys out into the wild of Albertan drivers, especially frustrated Calgary drivers? Do we want to expose our kids to such risk? An article posted by the CBC on their website introducing the new law brought just as many favourable reader comments as unfavourable. Parents will be weighing the decision to allow their teen to ride at 14 or not. Here are some of the factors which will be needed to make the best choice for each teen.
The new law states that a 14 year old must obtain their learners permit (Class 7) from Alberta Motor Vehicles in order to ride. This consists of taking a vision test and a written test on the rules of the road. Service Alberta has driver training manuals and practice tests on their website. 1 Parents need to note too that insurance, registration and a motorcycle helmet are required. The scooters themselves are made by all of the name brand motorcycle companies such as Yamaha, Honda, Kawasaki as well as some Italian companies like Piaggio and Vespa. Chinese or Taiwanese made scooters should be avoided until their quality improves. All scooters need to be equipped with a headlamp, tail lamp, brake lamp, reflectors, brakes, horn, muffler and mirror. Since these vehicles are low speed you must ride on the right side of the road, unless you are making a left turn. Under the age of 16 kids cannot carry a passenger.
One of the considerations to be made is how experienced your teen is with a scooter. Familiarity with the scooter controls and knowledge of rules of the road will be critical. In the press release even the Alberta Government recognized that the biggest risk for new riders is their unfamiliarity with the controls and handling characteristics of small vehicles. They are lighter, less stable and more vulnerable in a crash. Our boys have some experience riding small vehicles, having grown up riding dirt bikes and ATVs offroad, however this is not the case for all teens, especially kids from the city. For those who have no riding experience and/or parents who want their teen to get extra training and experience before riding, the Calgary Safety Council2 offers a Scooter Training Course. This course is offered over three nights, one night is spent in the classroom and two nights are on scooters in their practice street area which is set up with a road course complete with intersections and lights, etc. We are going to insist that our boys successfully complete this course! We are also lucky in that both my husband and I have our motorcycle licences so we will ride along with our kids for the first few rides and then from time to time to ensure that they are riding safely. It helps that we live in fairly quiet traffic areas. For those without a motorcycle they could follow their teen in a car or go to a big empty parking lot and supervise a practice session. Anything to improve parents' comfort level to see how well the teens can actually ride.
Statistics show that most scooter accidents are caused when another driver makes a right or left turn in front of them, or when another driver changes lanes into them. Scooters are relatively small and quiet so ensuring visibility is paramount. In fact, according to Ken Condon, acclaimed motorcycle safety expert, this is the top concern. 3 In his new book he says that wearing bright clothing and having a bright helmet (white being the most visible) are most important. He also urges riders to ride within their abilities, do not attempt any risky maneuvers. Don't ride too close to any other vehicle. Learn to recognize and manage high risk situations such as when a driver is distracted talking on their cell phone, give them a wide berth. Sharpen your visual awareness while driving. Remember to look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go. Understand the traction of a scooter, avoid gravel patches if at all possible or slow down and ride over them straight. Purchasing this book, or a Scooters for Dummies-type book would also be a benefit to your teen, and it might actually get them reading!
Finally, the big consideration for parents will be "is my kid ready for this"? Is your child mature and responsible enough to understand the risks and manage them appropriately? With the independence can they be trusted to go where they say they are going to go and come back on time? Many have commented on the CBC article by saying there is no way they are going to allow their kid on the road with our crazy traffic and drivers.4 A scooter dealer commented that "[Scooters] are not speed demons. The irresponsible typically don't ride scooters. That's the truth of it. The irresponsible think that [scooters] are nerdy. The responsible think they are practical." We are going to wait and see. Once our kids turn 14, if they are still chomping at the bit to get a scooter we will execute our training plans and if they pass to our satisfaction they will be riding on their own to school next spring!
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a Calgary writer and a mother of three tweens who is looking forward to doing less chauffeuring!
The new law states that a 14 year old must obtain their learners permit (Class 7) from Alberta Motor Vehicles in order to ride. This consists of taking a vision test and a written test on the rules of the road. Service Alberta has driver training manuals and practice tests on their website. 1 Parents need to note too that insurance, registration and a motorcycle helmet are required. The scooters themselves are made by all of the name brand motorcycle companies such as Yamaha, Honda, Kawasaki as well as some Italian companies like Piaggio and Vespa. Chinese or Taiwanese made scooters should be avoided until their quality improves. All scooters need to be equipped with a headlamp, tail lamp, brake lamp, reflectors, brakes, horn, muffler and mirror. Since these vehicles are low speed you must ride on the right side of the road, unless you are making a left turn. Under the age of 16 kids cannot carry a passenger.
One of the considerations to be made is how experienced your teen is with a scooter. Familiarity with the scooter controls and knowledge of rules of the road will be critical. In the press release even the Alberta Government recognized that the biggest risk for new riders is their unfamiliarity with the controls and handling characteristics of small vehicles. They are lighter, less stable and more vulnerable in a crash. Our boys have some experience riding small vehicles, having grown up riding dirt bikes and ATVs offroad, however this is not the case for all teens, especially kids from the city. For those who have no riding experience and/or parents who want their teen to get extra training and experience before riding, the Calgary Safety Council2 offers a Scooter Training Course. This course is offered over three nights, one night is spent in the classroom and two nights are on scooters in their practice street area which is set up with a road course complete with intersections and lights, etc. We are going to insist that our boys successfully complete this course! We are also lucky in that both my husband and I have our motorcycle licences so we will ride along with our kids for the first few rides and then from time to time to ensure that they are riding safely. It helps that we live in fairly quiet traffic areas. For those without a motorcycle they could follow their teen in a car or go to a big empty parking lot and supervise a practice session. Anything to improve parents' comfort level to see how well the teens can actually ride.
Statistics show that most scooter accidents are caused when another driver makes a right or left turn in front of them, or when another driver changes lanes into them. Scooters are relatively small and quiet so ensuring visibility is paramount. In fact, according to Ken Condon, acclaimed motorcycle safety expert, this is the top concern. 3 In his new book he says that wearing bright clothing and having a bright helmet (white being the most visible) are most important. He also urges riders to ride within their abilities, do not attempt any risky maneuvers. Don't ride too close to any other vehicle. Learn to recognize and manage high risk situations such as when a driver is distracted talking on their cell phone, give them a wide berth. Sharpen your visual awareness while driving. Remember to look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go. Understand the traction of a scooter, avoid gravel patches if at all possible or slow down and ride over them straight. Purchasing this book, or a Scooters for Dummies-type book would also be a benefit to your teen, and it might actually get them reading!
Finally, the big consideration for parents will be "is my kid ready for this"? Is your child mature and responsible enough to understand the risks and manage them appropriately? With the independence can they be trusted to go where they say they are going to go and come back on time? Many have commented on the CBC article by saying there is no way they are going to allow their kid on the road with our crazy traffic and drivers.4 A scooter dealer commented that "[Scooters] are not speed demons. The irresponsible typically don't ride scooters. That's the truth of it. The irresponsible think that [scooters] are nerdy. The responsible think they are practical." We are going to wait and see. Once our kids turn 14, if they are still chomping at the bit to get a scooter we will execute our training plans and if they pass to our satisfaction they will be riding on their own to school next spring!
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a Calgary writer and a mother of three tweens who is looking forward to doing less chauffeuring!
1 servicealberta.ab.gov.ca
2 www.calgarysafetycouncil.com
3 Condon, Ken. Riding in the Zone: Advanced Techniques for Skillful Motorcycling, 2008.
4 www.cbc.ca Teenage Albertans gain more moped options, July 2, 2009
This article was originally published in the August/September issue of the Western Parent, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
So You Think You Can Date
When my son turned 13 yesterday I took a peek into the future and scared myself silly! Eeek! My baby out on a real alone-time date in a year or so?! Is he ready? Am I ready? Stop this time machine, I want to get off! Of course we all know we cannot stop time, as much as we would love to. So I am making myself a list and checking it twice to ensure that we have covered all the bases before he gets his crack at them!
Parents need to prepare their teenagers well for this all important step into the world of relationships. Schools generally are providing information on sexuality and healthy relationships to kids however parents need to provide specific guidance based on your teen's unique situation and issues. Read through the material being used by the schools to give you an idea of what you are dealing with and where your ideas may converge or differ. I have listed two such websites used by the Calgary Board of Education. Communication with a teen is primarily an exercise in listening. Position yourself as approachable and conversational and be sure to add a good measure of humour. Ask open-ended questions while sharing your relationship wisdom and values. If you have non-negotiables let them know, as it pertains to such issues as sex (safe or none) or curfews. Studies show that children who feel they can talk with their parents about sex and relationships are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviour.
The difference between boys and girls at this stage is well documented. According to a Penn State study in 1999, girls were found to have intimacy skills, while boys were found lacking. This "makes boys more vulnerable because they fall in love faster. They also take breaking up harder than girls"1. Parents should watch for boys getting stressed by the prospects of dating and provide them with an out, letting them know that it is ok to go at their own pace. On the other hand, girls tend to have a larger social investment in dating. When my son's friend threatened to break up with his girlfriend on the day of the school dance I reminded him to think of her feelings and status, not just his own. Girls need to be reminded there is more to life than just boys and their Facebook relationship status. Although most teen romantic relationships do not last, first romances are considered practice for more mature bonds in adulthood and can lead to satisfying, committed relationships in early adulthood.2
The shocking news of singer Chris Brown assaulting his popstar girlfriend Rihanna hit the headlines and gave parents an unfortunate teachable moment to discuss how relationships, especially early ones, need to be free of abuse of any kind. Surveys are showing that young women between the ages of 16 and 24 are the most likely to be abused.3 Our current economic climate is not helping matters and domestic abuse is on the rise. Calgary officials estimate three to five children in each classroom in our city has witnessed some sort of family violence. If you are in a relationship, are you providing a healthy model for your teenager to pattern from? It is important to remember your actions speak louder than words. Rihanna's ordeal has generated more resources being available to teens online. One example is Loveisrespect.org, a teen dating abuse helpline. I put a dollar store plaque in the kitchen to remind us that Love Blooms Where Kindness is Planted.
Finally, take the time to sit back and assess your teen's readiness to date. Is he or she a well-rounded individual with their own sense of identity? Do they possess a good amount of self-respect, self-confidence and self-esteem? Does he/she have knowledge of appropriate dating behaviour? Have they successfully participated in "early dating"? Are their friends starting to date? Do they understand the nuances between love, lust and infatuation? I know this is alot to throw out there, but the carefully considered answers to these questions in your own mind will help you start to travel down the path to allowing your teen to "alone date". Try to address any outstanding issues with your teen well before the inevitable request to date is made. Counselling may be helpful, and a wealth of resources and information can be found on the internet using the power of Google, both for parent and teens.
Apprehensive parents can take heart in a recent teen survey reported by Maclean's in Canada, teens are less sexually active than in the 1990s, condom use is up and teen pregnancy rates are declining.4
The main motivation here seems to be a desire to create a stable adult life. Teenagers doing what they are told? What a concept! Or are they wanting what their parents were unable to provide for them? Either way our next generation seems to be turning into the healthy, responsible adults we all are hoping for.
Here are some websites the CBE teachers are using as teaching resources:
www.teachingsexualhealth.ca
www.sexualityandu.ca
1 Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Vol.28, No 4, 1999
2 Teens and Dating: Tips for Parents and Professionals. University of Florida. 2006
3 Parents can use Rhianna's bad example to teach kids a lesson, Calgary Sun, March 14, 2009
4 Generation Tame, Maclean's, April 13, 2009
originally published in the June/July 2009 issue of the Western Parent
Monday, April 27, 2009
Tween/Teen Early Dating Decisions
"In spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love" opined Lord Alfred Tennyson. He got it wrong for our house where spring is springing but our young men are not the least bit fanciful, let alone thinking of love! Our young teen is more or less oblivious to the opposite sex and the other soon-to-be teen is fending girls off with disinterested texts all the while filling his phone with bikini pix. Our tween daughter is another story. She and many of the girls in grade 6 are consumed with who is "going out" with who and updating their Facebook relationship status lines. Is this just innocent play? Some parents of friends don't appear to think so and have pre-emptively set rules forbidding dating until after high school. What is going on? Is my daughter growing up too fast? Are my sons growing up too slow? Who knew there would be dating in grade 6? My first boyfriend was in grade 8! I must admit I felt a little out of the loop, so I did some online sleuthing to get up to speed.
I found that there is a stage of dating which is called early dating for kids aged 10 to 14. This stage begins with 10 to 12 year olds using the term "dating" to refer to simply liking someone. "Going out" usually involves a boy and a girl hanging out together within their social groups at recess and lunch at school. Not surprisingly, every kid is different going through these stages depending upon their maturity, hormones, role models and upbringing. Behaviour modelling may have a role to play here. My son in a small town grade K to 8 school is not seeing couples and has not engaged in early dating. My two kids in a suburban middle school are seeing lots of couples in grades 8 and 9 and may be modelling that behaviour. Girls tend to mature faster than boys and will generally encourage boys to engage in early dating as early as grade 5. Some boys will refuse outright and some will reluctantly join in, while others will participate wholeheartedly. These types of relationships should not be a source of concern for parents as long as the kids are not seeking out "alone time". Dating in a group is the most healthy forum for tweens and teens to learn more about themselves and their "date". Unfortunately some experiences at this age may colour later attitudes, such as our son's experience of being unceremoniously "dumped" and then ridiculed by a group of girls. It is easy to see that there will be alot of confusion and uncertainty at this stage. Parents should encourage respectful behaviour even at this early stage of dating to set the stage for healthy relationships in the future.
As kids get older they still should be discouraged from spending unsupervised alone time with each other until at least the age of 14, according to Dr. David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University. Kids younger than 14 do not have the social and interpersonal skills that are required in dating situations.(1) Alone time in early dating can lead to several problems. Kid's relationship skills will stay superficial, they will spend less time with same-sex friends, and their personal identity will be underdeveloped and perhaps remain that way. A teen's main job in life is to establish their identity. This task of self-discovery can be guided by education, experiences, environment and coaching. If a teen is overly involved with another person this process may be skewed. Early sexual experimentation may result as well, simply due to long term closeness and boredom, but also due to peer pressure. Younger teens are more susceptible to peer pressure than older kids who have a more well-developed sense of who they are and what they want for their life. Experts agree that people need a sense of personal identity before they can be really close to another person.
It all comes down to communication between kid and parent throughout these trying times, which is often difficult and yet essential. Parents need to develop techniques which will work for their own unique tween/teen. Some will chat away about their "love life" while others will need to be asked specific questions about their day and about who is a part of their tween/teen's life. Keeping an eye on your kids' Facebook or Myspace pages can provide clues as well, leading to conversations and teachable moments. Throughout these trying times in a tween/teen's life it is important for parents to watch for opportune times to express your love and admiration for your child. Parents can also encourage healthy group activities, inviting kids over for pizza and movies in a supervised setting, or going bowling together. Perhaps an older twentyish sibling or family friend could supervise if kids find a parental presence too stifling. These experiences will help tweens/teens learn how to positively relate to each other in settings outside of school and will set the stage for healthy "alone" dating when they are older.
(1) "Deciding about Early Dating" prepared by Virginia Molgaard, Iowa State University specialist in human development and family life, November 1995 (web document)
For further information here are some good websites:
kidshelpphone.ca: section on dating
connectwithkids.com: information and parent forums
kidshealth.org: information for parents and kids
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mom in a blended family and part time writer who blends her life in Calgary and Rocky Mountain House.
This was originally published in The Western Parent magazine, April/May issue, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
An Online Video Game Primer for Parents
The Christmas lists in our house this year are filled with video games and their accessories, not unlike many of our friends' houses. The video game industry is a multi-billion dollar industry, extremely popular with a wired generation and increasingly so for a generation raised on board games. However a modern tragedy which recently occurred back east has cast a pall of parental trepidation over online video gaming. A family struggled with doing the right thing for their online video game obsessed son, and his accidental death after he ran away from home has got us all wondering if we are doing the right thing for our children. I must admit this story hit close to home for us, since all 5 of us (mum, dad and three pre-teens) enjoy online gaming and the internet. It sparked discussion, teachable moments and some soul searching as a parent. In addition I heard anecdotally of a backlash against online video gaming, saying the games are addictive, violent and rife with predators. Some parents pulled the plug on their games while others took a stand, not allowing them to be set up in the future. Obviously every parent has the right to determine what is best for their family. With the rapid onslaught of online video gaming there is much to be considered in making informed choices, so I thought I would run through the information I took into consideration when making the decision to continue to allow my children to play online video games.
Our children are the first generation of "digital natives", as opposed to us older "digital immigrants". It will be their generation which will figure out how to actually use the digital tools that have been created. The MacArthur Foundation in the US recently released a study suggesting that teenagers and their online social world tends to be downplayed as strictly recreational by many adults, when in actual fact their online world is a new kind of a social dynamic which is rapidly evolving. The study claims that "spending time online is essential for young people to pick up the social and technical skills they need to be competent citizens in the digital age." Facebook, MySpace and online video gaming are all part of this online social world. I was amazed to see my son play Halo 3 online on his Xbox 360 with a friend who had recently moved to Costa Rica, talking the whole time on their headsets back and forth like they were sitting together on the couch. He can just as easily play with his friends in Calgary, each sitting in their respective houses. Often times he has friends come over and he teaches them how to play while they are online with other friends. This has become a major socialization skill and ordering tool apparently. He has even set tangible goals for himself like improving his gamerscore to 10,000 by Christmas. My daughter plays Stardoll, an online doll dress up site, wildly popular with tween girls. By using the chat component, she was able to help a fellow player from Argentina work through an english assignment and she in turn helped my daughter with her spanish homework. My boys have spent many hours watching and creating YouTube videos featuring parodies, glitches and tips relating to the video games they play. The gameplay and the internet itself allows for creativity and self-directed learning. Games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band have introduced them to a whole discography I only could have hoped they would listen to. Even basic skills like eye-hand coordination have improved. All of these skills will be needed in their future.
Reaching a comfort level to have the kids independently using these games did not happen overnight. Countless hours were and are spent monitoring play. Teaching net etiquette and safety while online are crucial. These are great opportunities to spend time with your child, and playing online with them is even better! Our kids know to not respond to questions outside of the realm of gameplay unless they are certain they know who they are talking to. Beware of internet "trolls" who may just want to provoke or disrupt normal gameplay or discussion. They know to never give out personal information and never ever to meet an online contact in person without a parent present. There are parental controls on game consoles which can be adjusted depending on the age and maturity of your child. Games are rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) as to their age levels. Everyone can play E rated games, however T(een) and M(ature) games can be more graphic and/or violent. It is up to you and your family to decide what games are appropriate for you. There are thousands to choose from so rest assured if there is a conflict there will be alternatives to offer. For every study claiming video game violence encourages real life violence, there is another study claiming violent games show the consequences of such behaviour. We learned the hard way to not associate a credit card with your Xbox Live account. Simply purchase online play card at your local gaming store. These games teach a great deal about patience when it comes to set up and on-going connectivity! Being part of a new technology involves a learning curve with bumps along the way. We had Shaw crank our internet speed up a notch to prevent lag in gameplay. We have struggled with time limits for gameplay. A three hour stint should be the maximum. The initial attraction to a game will generally fall away as time goes on and/or once game points have been achieved, only to be replaced by a new game. Some rules are carved in stone: game playing does not interfere with school, homework or extra-curricular activities such as soccer and dance, as well as games should be wound up at least one hour before bed to allow the brain to prepare for sleep. Reading books is an appropriate before bed activity once teeth are brushed and pjs are on.
Instead of closing the door entirely and potentially denying children the chance to join their peer group online, parents can and should educate themselves and subsequently assist their children learn safe and healthy ways to play online video games. This skill is now a crucial component of your child's life and they will appreciate your interest and your guidance.
The MacArthur Foundation
http://www.macfound.org
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum in a blended family and part time writer/accountant living in both urban and rural Alberta.
Our children are the first generation of "digital natives", as opposed to us older "digital immigrants". It will be their generation which will figure out how to actually use the digital tools that have been created. The MacArthur Foundation in the US recently released a study suggesting that teenagers and their online social world tends to be downplayed as strictly recreational by many adults, when in actual fact their online world is a new kind of a social dynamic which is rapidly evolving. The study claims that "spending time online is essential for young people to pick up the social and technical skills they need to be competent citizens in the digital age." Facebook, MySpace and online video gaming are all part of this online social world. I was amazed to see my son play Halo 3 online on his Xbox 360 with a friend who had recently moved to Costa Rica, talking the whole time on their headsets back and forth like they were sitting together on the couch. He can just as easily play with his friends in Calgary, each sitting in their respective houses. Often times he has friends come over and he teaches them how to play while they are online with other friends. This has become a major socialization skill and ordering tool apparently. He has even set tangible goals for himself like improving his gamerscore to 10,000 by Christmas. My daughter plays Stardoll, an online doll dress up site, wildly popular with tween girls. By using the chat component, she was able to help a fellow player from Argentina work through an english assignment and she in turn helped my daughter with her spanish homework. My boys have spent many hours watching and creating YouTube videos featuring parodies, glitches and tips relating to the video games they play. The gameplay and the internet itself allows for creativity and self-directed learning. Games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band have introduced them to a whole discography I only could have hoped they would listen to. Even basic skills like eye-hand coordination have improved. All of these skills will be needed in their future.
Reaching a comfort level to have the kids independently using these games did not happen overnight. Countless hours were and are spent monitoring play. Teaching net etiquette and safety while online are crucial. These are great opportunities to spend time with your child, and playing online with them is even better! Our kids know to not respond to questions outside of the realm of gameplay unless they are certain they know who they are talking to. Beware of internet "trolls" who may just want to provoke or disrupt normal gameplay or discussion. They know to never give out personal information and never ever to meet an online contact in person without a parent present. There are parental controls on game consoles which can be adjusted depending on the age and maturity of your child. Games are rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) as to their age levels. Everyone can play E rated games, however T(een) and M(ature) games can be more graphic and/or violent. It is up to you and your family to decide what games are appropriate for you. There are thousands to choose from so rest assured if there is a conflict there will be alternatives to offer. For every study claiming video game violence encourages real life violence, there is another study claiming violent games show the consequences of such behaviour. We learned the hard way to not associate a credit card with your Xbox Live account. Simply purchase online play card at your local gaming store. These games teach a great deal about patience when it comes to set up and on-going connectivity! Being part of a new technology involves a learning curve with bumps along the way. We had Shaw crank our internet speed up a notch to prevent lag in gameplay. We have struggled with time limits for gameplay. A three hour stint should be the maximum. The initial attraction to a game will generally fall away as time goes on and/or once game points have been achieved, only to be replaced by a new game. Some rules are carved in stone: game playing does not interfere with school, homework or extra-curricular activities such as soccer and dance, as well as games should be wound up at least one hour before bed to allow the brain to prepare for sleep. Reading books is an appropriate before bed activity once teeth are brushed and pjs are on.
Instead of closing the door entirely and potentially denying children the chance to join their peer group online, parents can and should educate themselves and subsequently assist their children learn safe and healthy ways to play online video games. This skill is now a crucial component of your child's life and they will appreciate your interest and your guidance.
The MacArthur Foundation
http://www.macfound.org
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a full time mum in a blended family and part time writer/accountant living in both urban and rural Alberta.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Weathering the perfect storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family
Weathering The Perfect Storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Disciplining children is a challenge for most parents, but especially challenging for parents in a blended family. In a joint custody situation the blended family may only be together for limited amounts of time or even less if there is limited access. This lack of continuity can be an issue for both parents and children when trying to establish rules, habits and values which require ongoing support. Children are subject to the discipline styles of two houses instead of one, with the possibility of having two parents and two step-parents giving input. All parties may also be experiencing grief or depression or just experiencing a lack of stablity in their life, charting new courses for themselves as individuals and as a family. The parents may also be struggling to overcome patterns or feelings from their previous relationship(s), and/or working at nurturing a new relationship. Allegiances between biological parent and child may hamstring step-family allegiances. All of these conditions create a perfect storm; a distinctly difficult environment in which to effectively discipline children.
Discipline is an amorphous concept, different to almost everyone based on my anecdotal survey. Wikipedia says that discipline means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior." Very often discipline reverts to it's negative connotation, that of enforcing order through punishment, seemingly without the guidance and education component. It is our job as parents to not lose that component in the hectic milieu of our lives. Most importantly discipline should come from a place of caring (from a step-parent), and love (from the biological parent) for the child.
Here a few pointers which should help blended families weather the perfect storm:
Be proactive and develop a family mission statement, values and rules of conduct together: Once parents have developed a framework and basic tenets together, the children can be brought into the process and the details fleshed out as a family. Establish clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depending on your children you may want to define the natural consequences which will address transgressions, or leave them open-ended to ensure they are the best fit. Guidelines can be created for parents as well, such as establishing a "no yelling" and "no hitting" policy to provide a secure environment for kids unsure about the new adult(s) in their lives. Meetings on a regular basis can be scheduled to provide education on values, and updating guidelines for new situations as children mature. Aim for "flexible consistency" and keep your eyes on the big picture. Depending on the situation you may want to commuicate these guidelines to the childrens' other parents in order to allow for consistent treatment in both houses. Just make sure you do so in a non-judgmental way.
Misbehaviour in children is often the result of an underlying problem: The child may have a distinct purpose in mind when acting out. Identification of that purpose will help define the solution. In tough blended family situations professional counselling may be necessary to provide a safe venue to explore the issues, individually and together as a family. Many times it is a lack of parental attention that triggers children to attract attention, any attention, even if it is negative. Children could be seeking power in a relationship in which they feel powerless. They may be seeking revenge for perceived injustice, or perhaps they are suffering from an overall lack of self-esteem and confidence. It could even be as basic as a need for food, shelter, and comfort. Whatever the purpose, it is important to keep these motivations in mind while attempting to educate and help the child.
React to misbehaviour as a team: This is crucial in a blended family! If you need to, time out the child, take a deep breath, consult with your spouse, work out an agreement you can both live with which includes natural consequence based on your family rules, and aim at your larger goals. Do not disagree with your spouse in front of the child since that will only create doubt and a forum for the child to test allegiances. The step-parent may have difficulty enforcing boundaries until they are accepted, so it is best to play that by ear. They may take the role of an unfamiliar aunt/uncle at first to couch responses appropriately. The biological parent can verbally "authorize" the step-parent in front of the child to act in their place. The use of appropriate humour may help. Remember however that some issues are non-negotiable when it comes to safety and respect. Depending on the severity of the misbehaviour you may also want to inform the other biological parent of the situation so as to provide some continuity for the solution.
Teach your children values important to the family and coping skills: Many good books, websites and workbooks exist to help teach essential values that will help your child self-police their behaviour. One of my favourites is Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michelle Borba. (2001) She provides explicit instructions for parents to teach Empathy, Conscience, Self-Control, Respect, Kindness, Tolerance and Fairness. Remember that you are your child's most important role model and that you need to teach by example in your daily life.
Read parenting books and websites, take courses to keep your resolve: It can be tough to maintain calm and consistency. Reviewing can help. Step-parents without biological children should take a parenting course and familiarize themselves with age appropriate behaviour. An incredibly helpful site for building a co-parenting team can be found at Break the Cycle! website at http://sfhelp.org. Peter Gerlach, MSW, has posted over 150 articles and even an online course for parents of blended families.
Do not expect this to go quickly or smoothly and without bumps along the way! Experts say that it takes more than seven years for a blended family to fully coalesce. This time will be extended if your family is not together all the time.
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a parent and step-parent in a newly blended half-time family, a graduate of the Columbia College Education Assistant program, and only an armchair psychologist.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Catching up with the Kids
Catching up with the kids
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:
TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.
EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.
CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.
APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.
PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.
BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.
MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.
SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.
So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.
Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182
Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.
This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:
TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.
EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.
CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.
APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.
SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.
PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.
BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.
MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.
SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.
So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.
Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182
Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.
This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Shared Parenting: Worth the Effort
When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:
Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.
Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.
Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.
Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.
Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.
Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.
Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.
Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.
Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.
Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.
The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices
Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf
This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/
note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta
Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.
Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.
Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.
Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.
Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.
Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.
Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.
Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.
Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.
Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.
The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices
Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf
This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/
note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta
Monday, November 5, 2007
Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay
Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay
By Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the hit 70s TV show the Brady Bunch, was onto something. An LA newspaper reported that 40% of families at that time included a child or children from a previous marriage. With this stat in mind he created the show which enjoyed wide success and syndication. The sitcom mined the many interesting dynamics present in a blended family. Fast forward to late summer 2007 when dramatic doom and gloom responses triggered by Statistics Canada reports that the nuclear family is "under siege" made me wonder if anyone remembered any episodes of the Brady Bunch. Granted, we were treated to Hollywood happy endings and hilarious hijinks bordering on dysfunction, however the show promoted the legitimacy of the blended family, and engendered warm fuzzy feelings from the idea of two “half-families” joining to create “one big happy family". With the divorce rate at 37% step families (one partner with children from a previous relationship) and blended families (both partners bringing children to the relationship) are a phenomenon that will only become more prevalent. Divorcing fathers and mothers are choosing shared (50/50) custody more often and family courts are following that lead. Blended families are not new, in fact less than a hundred years ago they were quite common what with illness, war, shorter life expectancies and the lack of modern medicine to save lives in the event of an accident. Widows and widowers with children remarried and carried on with the family enterprise. With this much history and good karma behind it, why is the step or blended family considered to be the poor cousin of the nuclear family? Clearly the naysayers are not aware of the wonderfully rich opportunities blended families present in our society
Blending a family can be a lot of fun, especially in our present society in which the sense of community has gone the way of the hoola hoop. My blended family became "official" this summer, as we jumped on the 7/7/07 bandwagon. We had a wonderful large family gathering which brought together two previously unintroduced families from Alberta and BC. Our three children now have an additional set of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and more distant family. This is in addition to the fact that they have gained step-siblings and another parent. If you include the fact that their other parent has also re-partnered, it is clear that my children now have many more familial relationships and opportunities for role models, and just someone to pass time with. Our base of operations changed so now my children have access to a rural lifestyle, in addition to their city living. Their number of pets increased. Their activities diversified with each family having different recreational pursuits. They have been introduced to new traditions, new foods, new computer games, and new ideas. Concepts such as sharing, negotiating, and empathizing needed to be dusted off, reviewed and broadened. All of this will benefit my children now and as they grow into independent, well-adjusted adults.
This is not to say that all is sweeteness and light in a blended family. Statistics show that blending a family can be a stressful and a lot of work. The Step Family Foundation in the US estimates that 66% of all step and blended family relationships break up. Children can pull partners in opposite directions. Children jealous of another person in their parent’s life be they an adult or a child can set off a chain reaction of guilt and feelings of rejection. Finding just the right balance between child and new partner can be daunting. Blended adult partners have to negotiate numerous issues ranging from discipline to allowances to bedtimes. Children often view new additions to their family as simply a “co-worker”, not someone they have any emotional attachment to. The attachment part only comes with time and effort and the opportunity to understand just what the other is all about. Most unfortunate is that some people who have divorced once seem pre-destined to do it again, as heartwrenching as it may be. That makes it very important that any rifts in the blended family are addressed quickly and openly. Regular family meetings help to identify and work out problems as they come up. The bigger, more contentious issues may require family counselling sessions to provide a neutral place and objective observer to help mediate and work out solutions that everyone can live with. Resources are available, however, they are hard to find and even harder to access with waiting lists and long appointment waits a fact of living in booming Calgary. The internet is a valuable source of information on step and blended families. Simply googling each term results in a whole host of organizations, professionals, and personal bloggers dedicated to improving the quality of life for the blended and step family. Rather than looking at the decline of the nuclear family as a sign that the end times are nigh, the time has come to examine the challenges and opportunities that can be found in step and blended families and do what we can to support these inclusive family models.
Some links for further information:
http://www.stepfamily.ca/ A Calgary-based Counselling and Information organization. They offer counselling, courses and several forms of support.
http://www.stepinstitute.ca/resources.html A Toronto-based Counselling and Information organization, this page has links to tons of great organizations, information and other sites. They offer telephone counselling.
http://www.stepfamiliescanada.com/ This service is based in Saskatoon.
(This article was printed in the latest issue of The Western Parent)
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