Weathering The Perfect Storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family
by Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Disciplining children is a challenge for most parents, but especially challenging for parents in a blended family. In a joint custody situation the blended family may only be together for limited amounts of time or even less if there is limited access. This lack of continuity can be an issue for both parents and children when trying to establish rules, habits and values which require ongoing support. Children are subject to the discipline styles of two houses instead of one, with the possibility of having two parents and two step-parents giving input. All parties may also be experiencing grief or depression or just experiencing a lack of stablity in their life, charting new courses for themselves as individuals and as a family. The parents may also be struggling to overcome patterns or feelings from their previous relationship(s), and/or working at nurturing a new relationship. Allegiances between biological parent and child may hamstring step-family allegiances. All of these conditions create a perfect storm; a distinctly difficult environment in which to effectively discipline children.
Discipline is an amorphous concept, different to almost everyone based on my anecdotal survey. Wikipedia says that discipline means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior." Very often discipline reverts to it's negative connotation, that of enforcing order through punishment, seemingly without the guidance and education component. It is our job as parents to not lose that component in the hectic milieu of our lives. Most importantly discipline should come from a place of caring (from a step-parent), and love (from the biological parent) for the child.
Here a few pointers which should help blended families weather the perfect storm:
Be proactive and develop a family mission statement, values and rules of conduct together: Once parents have developed a framework and basic tenets together, the children can be brought into the process and the details fleshed out as a family. Establish clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depending on your children you may want to define the natural consequences which will address transgressions, or leave them open-ended to ensure they are the best fit. Guidelines can be created for parents as well, such as establishing a "no yelling" and "no hitting" policy to provide a secure environment for kids unsure about the new adult(s) in their lives. Meetings on a regular basis can be scheduled to provide education on values, and updating guidelines for new situations as children mature. Aim for "flexible consistency" and keep your eyes on the big picture. Depending on the situation you may want to commuicate these guidelines to the childrens' other parents in order to allow for consistent treatment in both houses. Just make sure you do so in a non-judgmental way.
Misbehaviour in children is often the result of an underlying problem: The child may have a distinct purpose in mind when acting out. Identification of that purpose will help define the solution. In tough blended family situations professional counselling may be necessary to provide a safe venue to explore the issues, individually and together as a family. Many times it is a lack of parental attention that triggers children to attract attention, any attention, even if it is negative. Children could be seeking power in a relationship in which they feel powerless. They may be seeking revenge for perceived injustice, or perhaps they are suffering from an overall lack of self-esteem and confidence. It could even be as basic as a need for food, shelter, and comfort. Whatever the purpose, it is important to keep these motivations in mind while attempting to educate and help the child.
React to misbehaviour as a team: This is crucial in a blended family! If you need to, time out the child, take a deep breath, consult with your spouse, work out an agreement you can both live with which includes natural consequence based on your family rules, and aim at your larger goals. Do not disagree with your spouse in front of the child since that will only create doubt and a forum for the child to test allegiances. The step-parent may have difficulty enforcing boundaries until they are accepted, so it is best to play that by ear. They may take the role of an unfamiliar aunt/uncle at first to couch responses appropriately. The biological parent can verbally "authorize" the step-parent in front of the child to act in their place. The use of appropriate humour may help. Remember however that some issues are non-negotiable when it comes to safety and respect. Depending on the severity of the misbehaviour you may also want to inform the other biological parent of the situation so as to provide some continuity for the solution.
Teach your children values important to the family and coping skills: Many good books, websites and workbooks exist to help teach essential values that will help your child self-police their behaviour. One of my favourites is Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michelle Borba. (2001) She provides explicit instructions for parents to teach Empathy, Conscience, Self-Control, Respect, Kindness, Tolerance and Fairness. Remember that you are your child's most important role model and that you need to teach by example in your daily life.
Read parenting books and websites, take courses to keep your resolve: It can be tough to maintain calm and consistency. Reviewing can help. Step-parents without biological children should take a parenting course and familiarize themselves with age appropriate behaviour. An incredibly helpful site for building a co-parenting team can be found at Break the Cycle! website at http://sfhelp.org. Peter Gerlach, MSW, has posted over 150 articles and even an online course for parents of blended families.
Do not expect this to go quickly or smoothly and without bumps along the way! Experts say that it takes more than seven years for a blended family to fully coalesce. This time will be extended if your family is not together all the time.
Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a parent and step-parent in a newly blended half-time family, a graduate of the Columbia College Education Assistant program, and only an armchair psychologist.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.
