Weathering the perfect storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family

Weathering The Perfect Storm: Effective Discipline in a Blended Family

by Andrea Garnier Spongberg

Disciplining children is a challenge for most parents, but especially challenging for parents in a blended family. In a joint custody situation the blended family may only be together for limited amounts of time or even less if there is limited access. This lack of continuity can be an issue for both parents and children when trying to establish rules, habits and values which require ongoing support. Children are subject to the discipline styles of two houses instead of one, with the possibility of having two parents and two step-parents giving input. All parties may also be experiencing grief or depression or just experiencing a lack of stablity in their life, charting new courses for themselves as individuals and as a family. The parents may also be struggling to overcome patterns or feelings from their previous relationship(s), and/or working at nurturing a new relationship. Allegiances between biological parent and child may hamstring step-family allegiances. All of these conditions create a perfect storm; a distinctly difficult environment in which to effectively discipline children.

Discipline is an amorphous concept, different to almost everyone based on my anecdotal survey. Wikipedia says that discipline means to instruct a person to follow a particular code of conduct, or to adhere to a certain "order." Consequently, "in the field of child development, discipline refers to methods of modeling character and of teaching self-control and acceptable behavior." Very often discipline reverts to it's negative connotation, that of enforcing order through punishment, seemingly without the guidance and education component. It is our job as parents to not lose that component in the hectic milieu of our lives. Most importantly discipline should come from a place of caring (from a step-parent), and love (from the biological parent) for the child.

Here a few pointers which should help blended families weather the perfect storm:

Be proactive and develop a family mission statement, values and rules of conduct together: Once parents have developed a framework and basic tenets together, the children can be brought into the process and the details fleshed out as a family. Establish clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Depending on your children you may want to define the natural consequences which will address transgressions, or leave them open-ended to ensure they are the best fit. Guidelines can be created for parents as well, such as establishing a "no yelling" and "no hitting" policy to provide a secure environment for kids unsure about the new adult(s) in their lives. Meetings on a regular basis can be scheduled to provide education on values, and updating guidelines for new situations as children mature. Aim for "flexible consistency" and keep your eyes on the big picture. Depending on the situation you may want to commuicate these guidelines to the childrens' other parents in order to allow for consistent treatment in both houses. Just make sure you do so in a non-judgmental way.

Misbehaviour in children is often the result of an underlying problem: The child may have a distinct purpose in mind when acting out. Identification of that purpose will help define the solution. In tough blended family situations professional counselling may be necessary to provide a safe venue to explore the issues, individually and together as a family. Many times it is a lack of parental attention that triggers children to attract attention, any attention, even if it is negative. Children could be seeking power in a relationship in which they feel powerless. They may be seeking revenge for perceived injustice, or perhaps they are suffering from an overall lack of self-esteem and confidence. It could even be as basic as a need for food, shelter, and comfort. Whatever the purpose, it is important to keep these motivations in mind while attempting to educate and help the child.

React to misbehaviour as a team: This is crucial in a blended family! If you need to, time out the child, take a deep breath, consult with your spouse, work out an agreement you can both live with which includes natural consequence based on your family rules, and aim at your larger goals. Do not disagree with your spouse in front of the child since that will only create doubt and a forum for the child to test allegiances. The step-parent may have difficulty enforcing boundaries until they are accepted, so it is best to play that by ear. They may take the role of an unfamiliar aunt/uncle at first to couch responses appropriately. The biological parent can verbally "authorize" the step-parent in front of the child to act in their place. The use of appropriate humour may help. Remember however that some issues are non-negotiable when it comes to safety and respect. Depending on the severity of the misbehaviour you may also want to inform the other biological parent of the situation so as to provide some continuity for the solution.

Teach your children values important to the family and coping skills: Many good books, websites and workbooks exist to help teach essential values that will help your child self-police their behaviour. One of my favourites is Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michelle Borba. (2001) She provides explicit instructions for parents to teach Empathy, Conscience, Self-Control, Respect, Kindness, Tolerance and Fairness. Remember that you are your child's most important role model and that you need to teach by example in your daily life.

Read parenting books and websites, take courses to keep your resolve: It can be tough to maintain calm and consistency. Reviewing can help. Step-parents without biological children should take a parenting course and familiarize themselves with age appropriate behaviour. An incredibly helpful site for building a co-parenting team can be found at Break the Cycle! website at http://sfhelp.org. Peter Gerlach, MSW, has posted over 150 articles and even an online course for parents of blended families.

Do not expect this to go quickly or smoothly and without bumps along the way! Experts say that it takes more than seven years for a blended family to fully coalesce. This time will be extended if your family is not together all the time.

Andrea Garnier Spongberg is a parent and step-parent in a newly blended half-time family, a graduate of the Columbia College Education Assistant program, and only an armchair psychologist.


This article appears in the summer issue of The Western Parent.

Catching up with the Kids

Catching up with the kids

by Andrea Garnier Spongberg

We all know how important it is to keep lines of communication open with our kids. It is probably our biggest challenge as parents. It becomes especially challenging in a divorced family, and even more important. Kids and parents who are not in constant contact can easily drift apart. Trying to keep up on all the latest in kids' ever-expanding universe of learning can be daunting. Think of all their school achievements and myriad extra-curricular events such as soccer games and gymnastic meets. What about their latest crush, their favourite song, their funniest youtube video of the moment? In a divorce situation a kid and parent may be separated by time and distance to varying degrees. Luckily we have technology to help minimize these separations. In fact, in the future it may become mandated by law for parents to maintain communication with children who are not in their physical custody. In March of 2006 Wisconsin became the second state, after Utah, to legally recognize electronic communication as a way of supplementing regular in-person visits. Unfortunately some divorces are so acrimonious that parents fight over the right to communicate with their children. These laws will help pave the way to recognizing the value of electronic communication in a shared parenting situation. Here are some of the methods that can be used:

TELEPHONE: The old standby telephone call has experienced a renaissance with the advent of cell phones. Buying a kid a cell phone can be a bit of a gamble however, my son has already "misplaced" two cell phones. If only they had some sort of homing beacon on them! As phone technology advances you can talk on the phone, send text messages (which reduce intrusion...a good thing!), send pictures, email and even videos.

EMAIL: Email quickly overtook snail mail in the 1990s and is now the written communication standard. Kids usually have at least one email account at home and at school. My kids both have a web-based email account on MSN Hotmail which allows them to access their email at any computer. They also have a web-based email through their school and the Calgary Board of Education. Apart from messages, email can also be used to send online greeting cards for birthdays and holidays. Unfortunately email can also be used to forward chain mail which pre-teens seem to love! Not much has changed there it seems.

CHAT: Chat programs provide real-time interactive communication. Windows Live Messenger seems to be the chat program of choice lately, however many other providers exist such as Yahoo, Pidgin and ICQ. Most of these programs will also allow you to use your webcam in conjunction with the program to provide full videoconferencing where you talk back and forth on camera, or you can still chat on the keyboard and run the webcam to see the person as they are typing. Messenger has a games component where you can play UNO or trivia games with each other while you are chatting, not to mention lots of cool add-ons to personalize your chatting.

APPLE: For those who want to avoid PC-based viruses, spyware and malware, Apple can be a family friendly alternative. Macs have a built-in webcam and chat program called ichat. In addition, if you sign up for a .mac account you get a personal website and photo hosting and email addresses.

SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES: Facebook has emerged as a super easy and fun way for kids and parents to keep in touch. You can message each other, post photos and status updates, add applications that compare musical tastes, favourite movies and the like. MySpace is another site that allows you to message each other, view each other's photos and find music from all over the world.

PHOTO AND VIDEO SITES: Youtube, Flikr, Picasa, and Pixpo are a few of the websites where you can post your videos and/or photos along with captions. Youtube has become extremely popular with kids who watch the site like we watched television in our childhood. They are encouraged to make their own video responses to posted videos. Watching your kids' creations can be extremely funny and sometimes embarrassing! These programs allow you to make your photos and videos private, only available to your family and friends, or public and available to everyone.

BLOGS: Many blog sites exist such as Microsoft spaces, blogger and now new kid-oriented blog sites are being introduced. imbee is a fully featured blog site for kids. Checking their blog can keep you up to date on their activities and feelings...most kids are not shy about sharing their private hopes and fears online.

MULTIPLAYER ONLINE GAME SITES: These sites are becoming extremely popular with kids. They include Webkinz, Toontown, Habbo Hotel, and Club Penguin. Most require a paid subscription of some kind. For Webkinz you have to buy a stuffie with a code to get your account up and running. Kids and parents alike can set up accounts and play mini games together or chat in some of them.

SCHOOL WEBSITES: An easy way to keep track of activities is to keep an eye on your kids' school website (if their school has one). They may also have an online homework site where their assignments are posted. Get an account from your school and you can monitor their work.

So as you can see there are many ways to keep in touch with your kids using a computer, a webcam and a cell phone. Unfortunately the costs can be prohibitive for some, and maintaining the equipment can be troublesome especially when the other parent is unable or unwilling to do so in their home. Remember to review Internet safety rules and go over them periodically with your child. An added benefit of all of this electronic communication is that you can monitor your kids' online presence at the same time as maintaining a virtual connection with them over time and space.



Divorced parents gain virtual visitation rights, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, March 27, 2006 http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=411182



Andrea Garnier Spongberg (aka coolcatz777 on Webkinz and youtube) is a Facebook addict along with her daughter Kira.

This article was published in the February/March issue of Western Parent.