When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:
Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.
Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.
Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.
Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.
Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.
Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.
Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.
Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.
Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.
Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.
The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices
Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf
This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/
note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta
