Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay
By Andrea Garnier Spongberg
Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the hit 70s TV show the Brady Bunch, was onto something. An LA newspaper reported that 40% of families at that time included a child or children from a previous marriage. With this stat in mind he created the show which enjoyed wide success and syndication. The sitcom mined the many interesting dynamics present in a blended family. Fast forward to late summer 2007 when dramatic doom and gloom responses triggered by Statistics Canada reports that the nuclear family is "under siege" made me wonder if anyone remembered any episodes of the Brady Bunch. Granted, we were treated to Hollywood happy endings and hilarious hijinks bordering on dysfunction, however the show promoted the legitimacy of the blended family, and engendered warm fuzzy feelings from the idea of two “half-families” joining to create “one big happy family". With the divorce rate at 37% step families (one partner with children from a previous relationship) and blended families (both partners bringing children to the relationship) are a phenomenon that will only become more prevalent. Divorcing fathers and mothers are choosing shared (50/50) custody more often and family courts are following that lead. Blended families are not new, in fact less than a hundred years ago they were quite common what with illness, war, shorter life expectancies and the lack of modern medicine to save lives in the event of an accident. Widows and widowers with children remarried and carried on with the family enterprise. With this much history and good karma behind it, why is the step or blended family considered to be the poor cousin of the nuclear family? Clearly the naysayers are not aware of the wonderfully rich opportunities blended families present in our society
Blending a family can be a lot of fun, especially in our present society in which the sense of community has gone the way of the hoola hoop. My blended family became "official" this summer, as we jumped on the 7/7/07 bandwagon. We had a wonderful large family gathering which brought together two previously unintroduced families from Alberta and BC. Our three children now have an additional set of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and more distant family. This is in addition to the fact that they have gained step-siblings and another parent. If you include the fact that their other parent has also re-partnered, it is clear that my children now have many more familial relationships and opportunities for role models, and just someone to pass time with. Our base of operations changed so now my children have access to a rural lifestyle, in addition to their city living. Their number of pets increased. Their activities diversified with each family having different recreational pursuits. They have been introduced to new traditions, new foods, new computer games, and new ideas. Concepts such as sharing, negotiating, and empathizing needed to be dusted off, reviewed and broadened. All of this will benefit my children now and as they grow into independent, well-adjusted adults.
This is not to say that all is sweeteness and light in a blended family. Statistics show that blending a family can be a stressful and a lot of work. The Step Family Foundation in the US estimates that 66% of all step and blended family relationships break up. Children can pull partners in opposite directions. Children jealous of another person in their parent’s life be they an adult or a child can set off a chain reaction of guilt and feelings of rejection. Finding just the right balance between child and new partner can be daunting. Blended adult partners have to negotiate numerous issues ranging from discipline to allowances to bedtimes. Children often view new additions to their family as simply a “co-worker”, not someone they have any emotional attachment to. The attachment part only comes with time and effort and the opportunity to understand just what the other is all about. Most unfortunate is that some people who have divorced once seem pre-destined to do it again, as heartwrenching as it may be. That makes it very important that any rifts in the blended family are addressed quickly and openly. Regular family meetings help to identify and work out problems as they come up. The bigger, more contentious issues may require family counselling sessions to provide a neutral place and objective observer to help mediate and work out solutions that everyone can live with. Resources are available, however, they are hard to find and even harder to access with waiting lists and long appointment waits a fact of living in booming Calgary. The internet is a valuable source of information on step and blended families. Simply googling each term results in a whole host of organizations, professionals, and personal bloggers dedicated to improving the quality of life for the blended and step family. Rather than looking at the decline of the nuclear family as a sign that the end times are nigh, the time has come to examine the challenges and opportunities that can be found in step and blended families and do what we can to support these inclusive family models.
Some links for further information:
http://www.stepfamily.ca/ A Calgary-based Counselling and Information organization. They offer counselling, courses and several forms of support.
http://www.stepinstitute.ca/resources.html A Toronto-based Counselling and Information organization, this page has links to tons of great organizations, information and other sites. They offer telephone counselling.
http://www.stepfamiliescanada.com/ This service is based in Saskatoon.
(This article was printed in the latest issue of The Western Parent)
