Shared Parenting: Worth the Effort

When my marriage broke up three years ago my primary interest was to minimize the impact on my kids. I had heard about shared parenting and it seemed like a good idea since it provided a way for both parents to take an equal role in our kids' lives. However the last thing I wanted to do was to share anything with my now-ex-spouse and I am pretty sure he felt the same way. Therefore, we retreated to our respective corners and gave ourselves some time to lick our wounds and regroup. We then began the tentative steps of detangling and sorting out our possessions, finances and our family. The process of equally dividing the property lead us to the concept of shared parenting. We both attended the insightful Parenting after Separation course offered by Alberta Justice. We used a mediator and a lawyer who helped define shared parenting for us. Most importantly, the children themselves were clear that they wanted both of us as parents in their lives on an equal basis. Both parents wanted the kids to have the stability of staying in the same school with the same friends, which somewhat offset the upheaval in their family. I managed to muddle things up by moving to Rocky Mountain House to be with my new partner. I now find myself commuting to Calgary on a weekly basis. We maintain two residences and the kids have three houses, our city house, our country house and their dad's city house. Now that the 50/50 week on/week off schedule has been in place for more than two years, it seems to be working well. But there were numerous twists and turns along the way that were not always easy. I have heard from divorced or separated parents having difficulty working through these same issues. Shared parenting is not yet the norm after a separation. It takes a great deal of time and effort from everyone in the family to make it work. Here are some of the tough lessons that we learned along the way:


Keep your childrens' best interests in mind, not your own. Objectively consider how decisions impact your children. Minimize changes to their setting and their routines. Spend extra quality time with them, taking time to talk about what is happening and how they are feeling.

Treat each other with respect at all times. If need be, completely ignore bad behaviour. When one party does not respond to that behaviour the power of it dissipates. Needless to say, if any of this does go on, it should not be in front of the children! Try to establish a business-partner type relationship. Don't say negative things about the other parent to your children. Remember they love both of you.

Correspond via email only. This provides for documentation of ad hoc agreements if necessary. It also documents disrespectful behaviour, if that unfortunately continues to be a problem. If you continue to be abusive you may be outed like Alec Baldwin. Use the phone only for emergencies.

Create a strong yet flexible parenting plan that is as specific as you agree it needs to be. An excellent thorough outline for this document can be found on the Alberta Courts website listed below.

Set up two totally separate houses with duplicate toys, clothes, electronics, etc. It is less stressful on the children when they can quickly make the transition from mum's house to dad's house or vice versa without having to pack. The only thing they need to take with them is their school bag.

Invest in a pet or two. Not an option if there are allergies of course, but we have found that pets help lighten the mood.

Monitor children's behaviour VERY closely. Watch for warning signs of depression or anxiety. Take the children to a good counsellor. Our whole new blended family went for counselling and we found it to be very helpful. Try to help the child understand that they are not alone. Look for silver-linings.

Schedule changes should only be made by parents after consultation with each other. Children should not make changes. They should not be go-betweens or message carriers in any way.

Respect each other's right to parent as they see fit. Do not attempt to enforce your rules in the other parent's house. Your child needs a chance to develop a healthy relationship with each parent without interference from the other. If there is abuse or some other harmful situation going on then it will need to be addressed obviously.

Read a few good books on the subject. Google shared parenting on the internet. The resources are there. Put them to good use.



The Alberta Justice Website has numerous resources. Find it at: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/go/CourtServices/FamilyJusticeServices

Here is the link to the Parenting Plan template and discussion:
http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/cs/familyjustice/parentingplanissuesguide.pdf

This is an excellent book written by two US psychologists: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide
http://www.beaconbehavioral.com/books.htm

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child written by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. was first published in 1980 and revised and updated in 1997. It is an excellent guide for shared parenting. She has also written a version for children.
http://isolinaricci.com/

note: this article was published in a recent issue of the Western Parent in Calgary, Alberta

Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay

Blended Families: Yay or Nay They are Here to Stay

By Andrea Garnier Spongberg

Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the hit 70s TV show the Brady Bunch, was onto something. An LA newspaper reported that 40% of families at that time included a child or children from a previous marriage. With this stat in mind he created the show which enjoyed wide success and syndication. The sitcom mined the many interesting dynamics present in a blended family. Fast forward to late summer 2007 when dramatic doom and gloom responses triggered by Statistics Canada reports that the nuclear family is "under siege" made me wonder if anyone remembered any episodes of the Brady Bunch. Granted, we were treated to Hollywood happy endings and hilarious hijinks bordering on dysfunction, however the show promoted the legitimacy of the blended family, and engendered warm fuzzy feelings from the idea of two “half-families” joining to create “one big happy family". With the divorce rate at 37% step families (one partner with children from a previous relationship) and blended families (both partners bringing children to the relationship) are a phenomenon that will only become more prevalent. Divorcing fathers and mothers are choosing shared (50/50) custody more often and family courts are following that lead. Blended families are not new, in fact less than a hundred years ago they were quite common what with illness, war, shorter life expectancies and the lack of modern medicine to save lives in the event of an accident. Widows and widowers with children remarried and carried on with the family enterprise. With this much history and good karma behind it, why is the step or blended family considered to be the poor cousin of the nuclear family? Clearly the naysayers are not aware of the wonderfully rich opportunities blended families present in our society

Blending a family can be a lot of fun, especially in our present society in which the sense of community has gone the way of the hoola hoop. My blended family became "official" this summer, as we jumped on the 7/7/07 bandwagon. We had a wonderful large family gathering which brought together two previously unintroduced families from Alberta and BC. Our three children now have an additional set of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and more distant family. This is in addition to the fact that they have gained step-siblings and another parent. If you include the fact that their other parent has also re-partnered, it is clear that my children now have many more familial relationships and opportunities for role models, and just someone to pass time with. Our base of operations changed so now my children have access to a rural lifestyle, in addition to their city living. Their number of pets increased. Their activities diversified with each family having different recreational pursuits. They have been introduced to new traditions, new foods, new computer games, and new ideas. Concepts such as sharing, negotiating, and empathizing needed to be dusted off, reviewed and broadened. All of this will benefit my children now and as they grow into independent, well-adjusted adults.

This is not to say that all is sweeteness and light in a blended family. Statistics show that blending a family can be a stressful and a lot of work. The Step Family Foundation in the US estimates that 66% of all step and blended family relationships break up. Children can pull partners in opposite directions. Children jealous of another person in their parent’s life be they an adult or a child can set off a chain reaction of guilt and feelings of rejection. Finding just the right balance between child and new partner can be daunting. Blended adult partners have to negotiate numerous issues ranging from discipline to allowances to bedtimes. Children often view new additions to their family as simply a “co-worker”, not someone they have any emotional attachment to. The attachment part only comes with time and effort and the opportunity to understand just what the other is all about. Most unfortunate is that some people who have divorced once seem pre-destined to do it again, as heartwrenching as it may be. That makes it very important that any rifts in the blended family are addressed quickly and openly. Regular family meetings help to identify and work out problems as they come up. The bigger, more contentious issues may require family counselling sessions to provide a neutral place and objective observer to help mediate and work out solutions that everyone can live with. Resources are available, however, they are hard to find and even harder to access with waiting lists and long appointment waits a fact of living in booming Calgary. The internet is a valuable source of information on step and blended families. Simply googling each term results in a whole host of organizations, professionals, and personal bloggers dedicated to improving the quality of life for the blended and step family. Rather than looking at the decline of the nuclear family as a sign that the end times are nigh, the time has come to examine the challenges and opportunities that can be found in step and blended families and do what we can to support these inclusive family models.

Some links for further information:

http://www.stepfamily.ca/ A Calgary-based Counselling and Information organization. They offer counselling, courses and several forms of support.

http://www.stepinstitute.ca/resources.html A Toronto-based Counselling and Information organization, this page has links to tons of great organizations, information and other sites. They offer telephone counselling.

http://www.stepfamiliescanada.com/ This service is based in Saskatoon.

(This article was printed in the latest issue of The Western Parent)